Thanks Grassy,
Astute and precise as always. This is a bit of a vague stinker and I will be
taking heed of the insect's words.


bw
James





>From: grasshopper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Slowed Down Though Has Not Stopped
>Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 15:33:18 +0100
>
>Dear James,
>  For me,this is fatally weakened by a lack of precision, as if musing and
>vagueness go side by side.If you want it to be sonnetish the strength and
>sharpness of the 'argument' are very important. Few suggestions below:
>Kind regards,
>   grasshopper
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Saturday, March 29, 2003 12:18 PM
>Subject: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Slowed Down Though Has Not Stopped
>
>
> > Part of the growing collection that I'm thinking of calling "Currents"
>one
> > day. This is a sort of sonnetish poem.
> >
>
>SLOWED DOWN THOUGH HAS NOT STOPPED
>(original version below)
>
>The sun still reflects off water
>where driftwood lays near the waterline (lies near)
>or sticks out from the river
>that looks like it might have slowed
>with an illusion that it has stopped;(if it seems to have stopped, the
>previous line is implicit)
>though I know this will not happen. (is this line necessary?-if it refers
>to
>the water stopping, why would we assume you'd not know this wouldn't
>happen.
>If it refers to the water slowing, it's unclear. Also, the conflict/
>similarity between 'looks like/illusion' is something I feel you have to
>deal with here, rather than skate over)
>
>I ponder other fears and illusions, constant change
>and permanency, though the current
>still flows, water birds bob,
>swim upon it - all living creatures know (this is an unjustified assumption
>that tripped me up completely here. Why assume living creatures have this
>awareness?)
>noen (none) of this can remain forever -
>even the water will change with the tide today.
>
>Even the sense that the river has slowed
>down and has not stopped is an illusion. (You have referred to this is S1-
>the repeat doesn't improve it. The poem leaves me with the impression that
>you feel you are making some 'deep' point without taking the trouble to do
>the necessary work)
>
>
>SLOWED DOWN THOUGH HAS NOT STOPPED
>
>The sun still reflects off water
>where driftwood lays near the waterline
>or sticks out from the river
>that looks like it might have slowed
>with an illusion that it has stopped;
>though I know this will not happen.
>
>I ponder other fears and illusions, constant change
>and permanency, though the current
>still flows, water birds bob,
>swim upon it - all living creatures know
>noen of this can remain forever -
>even the water will change with the tide today.
>
>Even the sense that the river has slowed
>down and has not stopped is an illusion.


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