Again much appreciated comment that I will use to cast over the poem in
further revision. I'm experimenting very heavily with the second person
voice as a distancing effect that I first heard Selima Hill talk about so
that the intensely felt can become somebody else's experience. Just my thing
now and probably continuously debatable. I've started to take on Seamus
Heaney's view of the sonnet as something with "muscle and sinew" and thus
loosening up in the writing. Thanks for noticing the 17th century bit, it
has already been changed.



bw
James





>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: The sonnet form again
>Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 17:13:41 +0000
>
>Hi James,
>Sorry I've been so long in replying!
>I like the second part of this far more than the first - and the couplet,
>too, is neat! Maybe the first part is a tad too metaphysical - I mean the
>words:
>"draws sense
>from the pouring out of its constancy"
>sounds 17th century-ish to me.
>The line below it, that starts with "you" is saying something intruiging -
>but I'm not sure about the word "you". For me the poem seems to be saying
>that the writer, not the reader, is full of the experience - which is OK
>because the rest of the poem is more of an invitation for me to glimpse the
>things the writer is seeing and feeling.
>And, like has been mentioned by someone else, the repetition of the title
>and the first phrase... could mean that the title  could state something
>more.
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: The sonnet form again
>>Date: Sat, 4 Jan 2003 11:55:56 +0000
>>
>>Thanks to Gary and Mike for very constructive comments on this piece last
>>time, which is now changed out of all recognitin as I continue my struggle
>>with this form, more as an unwillingness to give up than a wish to produce
>>a
>>book of the darned things. He's the current version. I'm sure you will
>>tell
>>me what you think. Christina might tell me off for using a certain word I
>>think.
>>
>>BREAK OUT INTO THE SUN
>>
>>Break out into the sun, grab the essance
>>of life as earth's stones repel rays
>>sent through on these clearer days
>>and glance off as more sunlight draws sense
>>from the pouring out of its constancy.
>>You need the easy sense of insanity.
>>
>>Sharp relief detail on the river is thrown
>>onto your eyes, disturbed by reflected sunlight.
>>A tree branch raised from the river, a finite
>>monstrous head, water logged and alone,
>>incongruous, waits for nothing to appear
>>only another heavy wave will take it further.
>>
>>No bright tern or soaring kittiwake comes near -
>>intuitively aware of your metaphor.
>>
>>
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>_________________________________________________________________
>>The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
>>http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
>
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>MSN 8: advanced junk mail protection and 2 months FREE*.
>http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail


_________________________________________________________________
MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus