Hi shah,
Hey, I like these a lot. I sense, tho, they belong together, and work
together far stronger that they work apart.
I's skip the first two "that"s - but keep the last one! I think the similar
sounds at the end of each of the triplets last line (less sounds similar to
pace when it gets away from my mouth...) is perhaps enough repitition for
the piece.
And, again, I like not fully knowing what's going on. I remember reading
some ancient chinese poetry years ago that had a similar affect on me.
Bob
>From: c s shah <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: short poems
>Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 13:10:39 +0530
>
>Thanks Grassy,
>Address me as Shah.
>
>Short Poems 3
>
>did a swan fly by,
>that darkness appears
>a little less?
>*
>has an eye cried,
>that the load weighs
>a pound less?
>*
>did a bell toll,
>that feet rustle
>at a slower pace?
>*
>
>c s shah
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