Thanks Frank for your much valued comments.



bw
James





>From: Faust <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: A Small Death
>Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 10:17:26 +1100
>
>Hi James,
>
>A couple of thoughts,
>
>S1 - the last line is a little ponderous to my ear, and may be able to be
>sharpened. Could all be said, perhaps as 'barely identifiable'.
>Along the same lines in S2, I wondered at a reorganisation, thus: > an
>oyster catcher, perhaps/ from plumage colour/for there's nothing else.
>
>S3, last 2 lines don't add much for me - just speculation that doesn't
>advance the piece so much. Perhaps retain/refocus the last line to function
>as the link to the last S, which ends well, I think, particularly the last
>line. Just lovely.
>
>As always, just thoughts to ignore.
>
>Thanks,
>
>Frank
>
>
>
>
>
> > A SMALL DEATH
> >
> > Have seen my first dead bird today,
> > a feathered heap upon the waterline
> > only visible through binoculars, even then
> > I barely manage to identify what it is.
> >
> > It's raining, the sky is grey,
> > the space around the dead bird desolate;
> > an oyster catcher, is the guess,
> > from plumage colour, for there's nothing else.
> >
> > I wonder how it ended there this rare
> > retiring bird I don't know so well;
> > wild creatures tend to die of violence in nature,
> > though this one had not been attacked
> >
> > by playful family dog or another
> > more serious hunter, for no feathers
> > lay around, no signs of torn flesh -
> > just the stillnes - the soft toll of waves.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
> >
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