Thanks Frank. Phil
>From: Faust <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: to carry that whale...(Bob)
>Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 19:43:38 +1100
>
>Hi Phillip,
>
>I just caught on to this piece. Liked it a lot. Well writ sir.
>
>Cheers,
>
>Frank
>
> >
> >Thanks for your penetrating thoughts Bob. The next draft:
> >
> >
> >to carry that whale.. philip burton 10/03/03
> >
> > "Boat Trio"
> > Oil on board
> > - Dorothy Stirling
> >
> >
> >the sea is a captionless awning
> >beyond unvarnished sands
> >
> >an inelastic band of brothers
> >(all sea boots and fisher wool
> >on child-proportioned limbs)
> >support an overturned skiff
> >
> >heads inboard, necks braced
> >elbows heightened by the weight
> >they float on the sea of paint
> >dry as baked leaves on a pond
> >
> >a Glaucous gull grips the folded keel
> >staring at the way they came
> >enjoying the sway
> >
> >the boat is origami, tight seams
> >of creased pale Prussian paper
> >rising to a signature
> >
> >boats utter where they've been,
> >where we are going.
> >
> >
> >
> >Addressing your excellent points -
> >
> >"glaucous" is of course blue-grey, but Glaucous is the name of the gull -
> >identified by its blue-grey wing, white plumage, and distinguished from
>the
> >Herring gull by the Glaucous' wing and tail feathers neater alignment.
> >
> >The brackets are a fad in my creative writing group that are "in" at the
> >mo..
> >
> >"baked leaves on a pond" is an image of minimum contact. How they curl
>and
> >stand proud and seem hardly to wet. Just so, the three child figures in
> >relation to the "ground" of the painting.
> >
> >The "Oil on board" etc was copied directly from the label on the
> >reproduction of the painting and so counts as a quote?
> >
> >Hoping that you approve the new draft. Do you identify the literary
> >allusion in the final couplet, Bob?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
> >>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >>To: [log in to unmask]
> >>Subject: Re: new submission: to carry that whale...
> >>Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 19:21:53 +0000
> >>
> >>Hi Philip,
> >>Great title, canny poem following it too!
> >>The line about the baked leaves... I can go with the "dry" word, and the
> >>"pond" word, but I'm not sure about the "baked" word. (And the whole
> >>images of leaves on a pond is a tad distracting - not attracting - for
> >>me... which may be because I don't know the picture, but it may be
>because
> >>the poem's getting ready to resolve itself and this image/similie isn't
> >>helping any resolution... it just seems to intrude to remind me it's a
> >>fairly old painting)
> >>And although I initially didn't mind the lack of lots of punctuation I'm
> >>now wondering why everything's lower case except Glaucous (and some of
>the
> >>title - the word Board isn't capped) and I'm wondering why brackets -
>and
> >>not the more normally used in contemporary poems, dashes - and only one
> >>comma?
> >>Ah, questions, questions!
> >>Bob
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
> >>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >>>To: [log in to unmask]
> >>>Subject: new submission: to carry that whale...
> >>>Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 18:39:44 +0000
> >>>
> >>>to carry that whale..
> >>>
> >>> "Boat Trio"
> >>> Oil on board
> >>> - Dorothy Stirling
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>the sea is a captionless awning
> >>>beyond lively khaki sands
> >>>
> >>>an inelastic band of brothers
> >>>(all sea boots and fisher wool
> >>>on child-proportioned limbs)
> >>>support an overturned skiff
> >>>
> >>>heads inboard, necks braced
> >>>elbows heightened by the weight
> >>>they float on the sea of paint
> >>>dry as baked leaves on a pond
> >>>
> >>>the boat is origami, tight seams
> >>>of creased pale Prussian paper
> >>>rising to a signature
> >>>
> >>>a Glaucous gull grips the folded keel
> >>>enjoying the sway
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>_________________________________________________________________
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> >>
> >>
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> >
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>
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