Thanks Bob, very valuable crit. I'll mull on. Philip


>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission: to carry that whale...(Bob)
>Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 08:37:12 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>It's fascinating, nay it's intriguing, to see another draft!
>Perhaps with Glaucous... if the word Gull had a cap too?
>Brackets????? I've been checking my own reading carefully over the past few 
>months and have only read 3 poems with brackets this year - and I guess 
>that maes it all less than 1 percent... (Ooooh, lies & statistics time.)
>And the baked leaves... I guess I'm still thinking they've actualy been 
>baked and not that they (merely) look like they've been baked (I'm getting 
>confused I guess between the literal and the metaphorical - and once 
>confused I'm not finding it easy to unconfuse myself!)
>But I'm now having trouble with the first three lines! Each had a really 
>strong, unusual, adjective (captionless, varnished, inelastic) and I know I 
>belong to a tradition that believes that adjectives have to work really 
>hard to stay in a poem - but each one of these seems to be working so hard 
>none of the other words seem to stand a chance! The first two in particular 
>are only there to describe the sea - which is the background of the 
>painting, not the main focus of the painting, I mean the poem about the 
>painting! (I'm giving a really strong hint at cutting... I mean we can 
>sense the sea must be in the painting somewhere, can't we?).
>I also enjoy the movement you infer in the last couplet. The boats (plural) 
>is subtle! But I think I'm too unread to get the literary reference!
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re: new submission: to carry that whale...(Bob)
>>Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 19:31:00 +0000
>>
>>Thanks for your penetrating thoughts Bob. The next draft:
>>
>>
>>to carry that whale……                       philip burton 10/03/03
>>
>>             “Boat Trio”
>>          Oil on board
>>        - Dorothy Stirling
>>
>>
>>the sea is a captionless awning
>>beyond unvarnished sands
>>
>>an inelastic band of brothers
>>(all sea boots and fisher wool
>>on child-proportioned limbs)
>>support an overturned skiff
>>
>>heads inboard, necks braced
>>elbows heightened by the weight
>>they float on the sea of paint
>>dry as baked leaves on a pond
>>
>>a Glaucous gull grips the folded keel
>>staring at the way they came
>>enjoying the sway
>>
>>the boat is origami, tight seams
>>of creased pale Prussian paper
>>rising to a signature
>>
>>boats utter where they’ve been,
>>where we are going.
>>
>>
>>
>>Addressing your excellent points -
>>
>>"glaucous" is of course blue-grey, but Glaucous is the name of the gull - 
>>identified by its blue-grey wing, white plumage, and distinguished from 
>>the Herring gull by the Glaucous' wing and tail feathers neater alignment.
>>
>>The brackets are a fad in my creative writing group that are "in" at the 
>>mo..
>>
>>"baked leaves on a pond" is an image of minimum contact. How they curl and 
>>stand proud and seem hardly to wet. Just so, the three child figures in 
>>relation to the "ground" of the painting.
>>
>>The "Oil on board" etc was copied directly from the label on the 
>>reproduction of the painting and so counts as a quote?
>>
>>Hoping that you approve the new draft. Do you identify the literary 
>>allusion in the final couplet, Bob?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: Re: new submission: to carry that whale...
>>>Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 19:21:53 +0000
>>>
>>>Hi Philip,
>>>Great title, canny poem following it too!
>>>The line about the baked leaves... I can go with the "dry" word, and the 
>>>"pond" word, but I'm not sure about the "baked" word. (And the whole 
>>>images of leaves on a pond is a tad distracting - not attracting - for 
>>>me... which may be because I don't know the picture, but it may be 
>>>because the poem's getting ready to resolve itself and this image/similie 
>>>isn't helping any resolution... it just seems to intrude to remind me 
>>>it's a fairly old painting)
>>>And although I initially didn't mind the lack of lots of punctuation I'm 
>>>now wondering why everything's lower case except Glaucous (and some of 
>>>the title - the word Board isn't capped) and I'm wondering why brackets - 
>>>and not the more normally used in contemporary poems, dashes - and only 
>>>one comma?
>>>Ah, questions, questions!
>>>Bob
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>>Subject: new submission: to carry that whale...
>>>>Date: Tue, 11 Mar 2003 18:39:44 +0000
>>>>
>>>>to carry that whale……
>>>>
>>>>             “Boat Trio”
>>>>          Oil on board
>>>>        - Dorothy Stirling
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>the sea is a captionless awning
>>>>beyond lively khaki sands
>>>>
>>>>an inelastic band of brothers
>>>>(all sea boots and fisher wool
>>>>on child-proportioned limbs)
>>>>support an overturned skiff
>>>>
>>>>heads inboard, necks braced
>>>>elbows heightened by the weight
>>>>they float on the sea of paint
>>>>dry as baked leaves on a pond
>>>>
>>>>the boat is origami, tight seams
>>>>of creased pale Prussian paper
>>>>rising to a signature
>>>>
>>>>a Glaucous gull grips the folded keel
>>>>enjoying the sway
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
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