Bob,
A profound and subtle poem. I'm sure that a lot of people will identify with
this. . Setting everything in the future is a great device IMO. That way no
challenge to the fantasy has to appear in the poem. If it were set in the
past it might lack credibility, in the present be implausible, but as a
statement of intent it is unassailable. Personally I am not keen on the
first line being separated off from the beginning of the poem but I may well
be out on a limb with that one. Other comments in caps below..........
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, March 17, 2003 12:10 PM
Subject: Before Sunrise, I Consider...
Before Sunrise, I Consider When Waking
that today on the 7-22 from Gypsy Lane to Newcastle
I'm going to sit and listen and hear the bulk of the man
who gets on at Hartlepool, whose breathing's loud
as everything he says, whose laugh's as heavy
as the scuffed NIKE sports bag he always unzips
while he coughs and rummages for the flask of tea -
where each cup's so sweet, so strong, we all can smell it -
and his bacon butties, always well wrapped in silver foil NICE ROLL, NO PUN
INTENDED. I HAVEN'T SEEN COMPARISONS RESTRICTED TO THINGS THAT ARE IN THE
POEM ANYWAY AND WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD WORK BUT IT DOES WORK,
AT LEAST FOR ME in his tupperware container with the loudest of lids,
and his chewed up comments about Sunderland's midfield,
the woeful - and he always repeats the word, woeful - defence,
but I won't let him talk about that. No, I'll interrupt, ask
about things we may share, an understanding of cats
or garden birds, or the smell of sleeping children, and how
we rarely listen to the way silence can fill us with wonders
that COME FROM looking at paintings, or hearing musicNICE HANDLING OF A
CLICHED SUBJECT (JUST ASSUMES THE READER KNOWS THEIR OWN MUSIC AND
PAINTINGS)
as it replaces the sight of an orchestra in our heads,COULD DELETE THIS LINE
ABOUT THE SIGHT OF AN ORCHESTRA IF YOU WANTED.
and how at night, so many miles apart, we might stand
at some open back door gazing at nothing
but clouds as they hurry overhead, with the empty breeze
maybe seeping through the fence, and then shapes
half-seeable in the darkness that seem like us to belong.
SUGGEST: WITH THE EMPTY BREEZE SEEPING THROUGH THE FENCE AND SHAPES
HALF-VISIBLE IN DARKNESS, WHERE THEY SEEM TO BELONG
OR IF THAT DISTORTS THE MEANING TOO MUCH: SEEPING THOROUGH THE FENCE AND
SHAPES HALF-VISIBLE IN DARKNESS, THAT SEEM TO BELONG.
Bob Cooper
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