Thanks Bob, sort of see what you mean. I had a look at this over the wekend
and the "tongue work" is now gone, but I'll go back and consider your
comments in light of my new draft. Hope you got your CD OK.
bw
James
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: An Endorsement For Patricia
>Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 19:24:28 +0000
>
>Hi James,
>As has already been mentioned, "public tongue work" is a bit of a mouthful
>-
>to say!
>I've also found, in each time I've read it, I've wanted the penultimate
>stanza to run on into the last stanza! The phrasing seems to build up a
>momentum and the full stop - after "weather" in the penultimate stanza)
>seems to cheat me of a smile I may find if the sentiment that begins "for
>fickle love..." continues in the first line of the last block of words.
>Know
>whatta mean? I sort of sense doing that might also force the last stanza to
>say something stronger than it's doing at the moment.
>I love the run-on lines in the rest of the poem! (Perhaps that's part of
>why
>I'm wanting another one - cos you play with them so well!).
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New sub: An Endorsement For Patricia
>>Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 08:52:47 +0000
>>
>>This is based on a relationship I had with someone who is now in the
>>acting
>>profession. We parted on fairly amicable terms, I think.
>>
>>AN ENDORSEMENT FOR PATRICIA
>>
>>Kissing Patricia was something of great pleasure
>>although she was someone whom I hardly knew,
>>for our love was fickle, like the weather.
>>
>>When our lips bonded with tight measure
>>for months, during which our bodies drew
>>close together, was something of great pleasure.
>>
>>Still, our frantic kissing was not a treasure,
>>tight clinches in the park our only due,
>>for our love was fickle, like the weather.
>>
>>Our public tongue work may have caused one seizure,
>>though we were oblivious at attempts to sue
>>for kissing Patricia was something of great pleasure.
>>
>>When we decided to split it was such a clever
>>career move, something we never knew
>>was inevitable for fickle love, like the weather.
>>
>>Now she'd love to become a fickle national treasure
>>and I've written this for her and all of you
>>to say: kissing Patricia was a great pleasure
>>though our love was fickle, like the weather.
>>
>>
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
>>
>>
>>
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