Philip,
I'm off the list for the time being but this got over the drawbridge. I like
the second more but there are parts in the first that are better IMO.
Herewith a version that combines both. (Just one possible version). If there
are other parts I have changed you may take it that it didn't sound right to
me in either version. That doesn't mean that my changes are improvements -
more like suggestions for further work.
I am red-green colour blind,
colour challenged, be it said.
You think I will be left behind
when a palette as unkind
as Autumn's rears its head.
Since I am red-green colour blind
you think that russets must incline
to show me nothing much instead.
You think I will be left behind.
But in my canopy of mind,
bright green appears for red.
As I am red-green colour-blind,
depths of green emerge enshrined
from brown that is for you quite dead.
You think I will be left behind
by autumn leaves and yet I find
as rich a wood where we now tread.
I am red-green colour-blind.
You think I will be left behind.
Hope these changes do not mess up the syllable count if there is one, or
make too radical a claim for what the protagonist can see. If I've got it
mixed up you can always switch a few tos and froms in this version. I think
the main idea of the poem is that this world is just as rich. However is it
not an emblem for all situations where people do not see eye to eye? How
often are you in a situation where you want to put something across and
can't because the other person doesn't have the kind of outlook on life
required to absorb it? How often do people try to persuade you of things
that you just can't see? One possibility would be to write one or two more
stanzas alluding to the subjective nature of our private worlds so that the
poem would not just be about colour-blindness but go beyond it.
Now I know what a villanelle is, though I agree that labelling it as such
gives a hostage to fortune. People that care about these things will know
and those that don't will go straight to the content.
BW,
Colin
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Philip Burton [SMTP:[log in to unmask]]
> Sent: Monday, January 06, 2003 6:01 PM
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: New Submission: THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN (Colin)
>
> Thanks Colin. I've also redrafted the poem in more formal fashion.
> (below).
> You may like to give me your opinion as to which is the more effective
> poem.
> Philip. Happy New Year.
> THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN....
>
> - a villanelle
>
>
> As I am red-green colour-blind -
> or 'colour challenged' be it said -
> you think that I'll be left behind
>
> when a palette of hues, unkind
> as lofty autumn's, shows its head.
> As I am red-green colour-blind
>
> you think that russets must incline
> to show me nothing much instead?
> You think that I'll be left behind.
>
> But in my canopy of mind
> bright green communicates as red.
> As I am red-green colour-blind
>
> I can see olive green enshrined
> in pale brown that, to you, is dead.
> You think that I'll be left behind
>
> by October leaves, yet I find
> beauty down that same path you tread.
> As I am red-green colour-blind
> you think that I'll be left behind.
>
>
>
> >From: "Dewar Colin [FVPC]" <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: New Submission: THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN
> >Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2003 11:49:36 -0000
> >
> >Philip,
> >
> >A very interesting poem. A further comment on the subjective nature of
> >experience with far-reaching implications. (As a bonus for me I have
> often
> >asked colour-blind people how it was in their world; or at least I used
> to
> >ask when I was callow enough not to fear intrusion and I never did get as
> >good an answer as the one given by the protagonist in your poem.) Of
> course
> >there are many other colours than no human can see.
> >
> >Colin
> >
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: Philip Burton [SMTP:[log in to unmask]]
> > > Sent: Wednesday, January 01, 2003 8:08 PM
> > > To: [log in to unmask]
> > > Subject: New Submission: THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN
> > >
> > > THE SIGHT OF AUTUMN...
> > >
> > > - A Villanelle
> > >
> > >
> > > I'm red-green colour-blind -
> > > 'colour challenged' be it said.
> > > You think I'll be left behind
> > > when a palette as unkind
> > > as Autumn's rears its head.
> > >
> > > I'm red-green colour-blind
> > > so russets must incline
> > > to nothing much instead?
> > > You think I'll be left behind.
> > >
> > > But in my canopy of mind
> > > bright green is received as red.
> > > I'm red-green colour-blind
> > > but I see green enshrined
> > > in brown that, to you, is dead.
> > >
> > > You think I'll be left behind
> > > by October leaves, yet I find
> > > their charm uncomplicated.
> > > I'm red-green colour-blind.
> > > You think I'll be left behind.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > _________________________________________________________________
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