Tammara, reading your message to Gary I had the sudden vision of Israel and
Palestine being Siamese twins, joined at the heart, completely inseperable
but hardly enjoying their physical 'unity'. I'm glad if you feel some
solution is coming closer.You're obviously in a better position than me to
observe that. As you say the End is fast approaching. Would that be the same
as a solution?
Trish
----- Original Message -----
From: "tammara" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, March 09, 2003 10:04 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: Wednesday, March 5th, Haifa-to Gary
Hi Gary
Thank you for extremely useful comments which I'll consider seriously.
About the children being all nice - since I didn't know them personally
I can rely only on the information in the newspaper, and of course, you
know the human tendency to tell only the good things about those who are
no longer with us on this material level.
About possible solutions - you surprise me Gary. Even I am more
optimistic than you are. I don't think it would come to a catastrophe
before the end, as a matter of fact I think we're approaching the end in
a greater speed than anyone imagines. You see, the Israelis have almost
all come to terms now with the necessity to divide the country into two
states. There's even an understanding about the need to divide Jerusalem
as a joint capital of both states - Israel and Palestine, something
which you couldn't even suggest a few years ago without being called a
traitor. We're waiting for the rise of a leader on the Palestinian side
who will be able to answer the challenge of a peace agreement. With the
new appointment of Abu-Maazen as Prime Minister there's new hope in
Israel about the possibility of such a step.
The Palestinians will not lose everything because Israel isn't a country
that can initiate mass murders or mass deportation. When you talk about
the side that is candidate to soul losing I believe you mean the
Israelis so I feel I have to say that although the occupation has had a
terrible influence on the young soldiers it has corrupted but a few.
Most of them struggle everyday with moral issues, many times risking
their own lives in order not to hurt civilians. I know it from first
hand testimony, you can believe me it's not propaganda. If you want, I
can give you detailed accounts of such events.
In the mean time, let's not lose hope
Tammara
visit my web site: www.poetrylover.info
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Gary Blankenship
Sent: Sunday, March 09, 2003 5:56 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: New sub: Wednesday, March 5th, Haifa
Tammara, this is a very powerful poem well done. I would play with from
though, stretch it out a bit as here
to Asaf who always smiled,
to Daniel who dreamt of being an officer,
Smadar who was so sensitive to the pain of others,
to Liz and Tal who were best friends, all at their blooming 17,
to Kmar, a little Druze girl
Abigail who was a Christian,
to Yuval who last week went diving with the dolphins in Eilat,
to Mark who guarded the school but couldn't guard himself,
to Elija who took leave from the army to visit his sick grandpa,
to Beeri who was the youngest son of elderly parents,
Miriam and Meital, two young women just starting their lives,
to Tom and his father
Mordechai who went to celebrate the father's new found job,
all his eternal companions in the journey beyond the void.
One problem, I have is the children are all nice. Didn't one of them
holler
at her mother in the morning, pinch a cookie, not finish homework, do
something even mildly negative. I believe its power would increase if
they
did.
Back to the start
Muhamad looked up into the turquoise canopy, blinding after 2 weeks of
rain.
The street echoed with the cheerful
chattering of school kids set loose. He tried to look casual although he
didn't know how, with his heart racing and his heavy coat on this warm
day.
Bus no. 37 approached slowly, the children crammed forward, he let them
board before him. As he made his way to the back of the bus he must have
looked at the faces around him.
A bit prosey, which is why I have it set out as prose. And for this
work,
combined prose and poetry could work. Look at the modifiers - cheerful,
heavy, warm, slowly - are there stronger alternatives.
And the second S
In his pre-recorded will he said that he supports the heroic acts of
9/11.
He was told to blow himself up to kingdom come on that specific bus
because at 14:20 it was filled with children going home from school.
That would hurt the Yahud even more, said his commander,
the Yahud love their children. Not a word was spoken about his own
young life so cruelly severed. The grief-stricken Yahud would call him
a murderer, but his proud mother would call him her Shahid son
This could be prose too, but I think the most poetry is needed her:
metaphor or simile, more rhythm. Again stronger modifiers? Instead of
kingdom come: "to paradise"
And the last line
and the peace-loving, justice seeking Europeans would call him a freedom
fighter.
works well enough, but seems to sarcastic for the rest of the poem.
The simple fact is we have no idea, no understanding of life there (the
Irish may, but they aren't talking). Here I would look for more subtle
modifiers than peace-loving, justice seeking.
I would like to see this poem work, but believe you can take it to a new
level.
I no longer have faith there is a solution. Each bomb slices away a bit
of
my optimism. Any solution will only come after the most dramatic and
likely
horrendous event imaginable and maybe not even then, unless a third
party
was responsible, something both sides could rally against. Or after the
man
on the white horse (or camel) comes.
Whatever the solution, one side will loose nearly everything, the other
its
soul, and all of us what fragile peace is left.
Thanks.
Gary
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