Dear Sarah,
I liked this better the second time around so perhaps there's hope for me
yet! It does remind me of the seventies, though,probably the vinyl. Reminds
me of something I wrote about a record and the end of a relationship.
I wonder how many poems/songs that image has evoked down the years?
Best wishes,
Trish
----- Original Message -----
From: "Colin dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, March 07, 2003 1:06 PM
Subject: Re: New sub - Our Song
> Sarah,
>
> I'm not sure that there is a sort of thing that people favour. Everyone is
> eccentric in their own way. Reminds me of the Monty Python quip: "We're
all
> individuals." Reply: "I'm not". At any rate it would be difficult for your
> work to be too off-beat for me.
>
> To come to your poem, I am uneasy about the sound effects in the last two
> lines of the first stanza. "Love" is a great sounding word for the
beginning
> of L3. It chimes with "round" in L1 and also with "groove", in a different
> way, at the end of the preceding line. However IMO it doesn't fit well at
> the end of L4. That sound has already been used up by the time I get to
the
> end of that stanza. It's true that it manages a half rhyme with groove,
but
> coming after the full rhymes at the ends of 1 and 3 it is a bit weak. So
for
> those two reasons it's not quite right to my ear. It might be better if
> there were a decisive full rhyme at the end of L4. e.g. something like,
"and
> love must prove", although I realise this differs from the intended sense
> and other options are better.
>
> Further down in S3: "feeding ecstasy with pain" makes an excessive claim
on
> my emotion. Perhaps it's telling me too much what I must feel as reader.
>
> However it is a significant topic and on the whole you put it across well,
> with the detachment necessary for analysis of the process.
>
> Keep up the good work.
>
> BW
>
> Colin
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Sarah Willans" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 9:53 PM
> Subject: New sub - Our Song
>
>
> > Now James and Frank can get their own back! I'm aware that this isn't
the
> > sort of thing that most people who post here favour, and I'm not totally
> > convinced about it myself, but I would be grateful for any opinions.
> > Thanks - Sarah
> >
> >
> > Our Song
> >
> > Round and round and round it goes,
> > needle in an endless groove.
> > Love recedes as anger grows,
> > anger ebbs, makes way for love.
> >
> > All we were before the song
> > changed, forever, as it rose -
> > wavering, then clear and strong.
> > Round and round and round it goes.
> >
> > Now we play, and play again,
> > the tune that taught us how to love,
> > feeding ecstasy with pain -
> > needle in an endless groove.
> >
> > Rhythms rise, intensify,
> > peaking, falling. Tempo slows
> > to silence as the music dies.
> > Love recedes as anger grows.
> >
> > But the music swells again.
> > Dancing, move and countermove,
> > we mark the beat, forget the pain;
> > anger ebbs, makes way for love.
> >
> > Vows that no-one ever knows,
> > declarations never proved.
> > Round and round and round it goes,
> > needle in an endless groove.
> >
> >
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