Hi David
It's lovely and there are some really good lines like the last two. I
have a suggestion: try to replace all the "let me" with "I'll". I think
it would make the poem much stronger and move it further away from
cliché.
All the best
Tammara
visit my web site: www.poetrylover.info
-----Original Message-----
From: The Pennine Poetry Works [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of D.C Bursey
Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2003 11:02 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: My Love
Let me love you
on the first night of forever,
whisper love songs
until you fall asleep.
Let me read you
a poem in the morning.
Let me breathe you
like my first and last breath.
|