Hello Christina,
                 I remember the earlier version of this poem, but not any specific details so I can´t really compare that with this new version. However, I wouldn´t say that this one lacked emotional clout. Perhaps if you reposted the old and new versions side-by-side we could compare them better?
Regarding the stanza pattern, 4 three line stanzas seems good to me, but I´m no expert on that question. As for the final verse, what about this:

Sometimes feet are all that´s left
and shoes the last witnesses of daily life,
the final visible acts of love.

Although I must add that the first line of this stanza is my least favourite in the whole poem. Why do you say that the feet are left? They aren´t. The shoes are left. The feet have gone. Surely that is the point. Or have I missed the point?
I hope this is some use. What about putting up the original, too?


Best wishes,   Mike



--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---

This is a new draft of an earlier pome called 'Feet' and there are a few
questions under the pome.  Any comments/advice gratefully received.  Sorry to
post this on its own: hope to catch up with postings later tonight (probably
not entirely sober) or tomorrow  (probably better).
bw
christina


             Thinking of feet,

            how the child would have sat when his mother unrolled socks,
            knelt to pull them over his toes, smoothing the wool,
            rocking his heels, easing them into shoes

            and fastening buckles so they were just right.
            A close up would show scuffs, patterned soles,
            the notch that matched his arch.

            There are sandals and boots, polished and dull,
            the laces tugged tight or slack or threaded differently -
            you sense the ease or hurried struggle to tie knots.

            Sometimes feet are all that's left
            and shoes are the last witnesses of daily life,
            or the final visible acts of love.




            christina fletcher

I'm not sure whether pruning this back has improved it - I wonder whether it
has any emotional clout?  I'm uncertain as to whether it should be four three
line stanzas or two six line stanzas.  I've chosen the former because I like
the idea of space in pomes that are about emotional subjects but I'm also
aware that the first two stanzas are really one.  So it's a balancing act: to
opt for symmetry or not?  I find it very difficult to decide that sort of
thing.  I'm also in a dilemma about the last stanza: whether it would be
better as it stands or:

        Feet are all that's left:
        the shoes are the last witnesses of daily life,
        the final visible acts of love.