I took it Colin. I've promised Rosalind a new post by the end of the week
under its new title "Antipathy".
bw
James
>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem(Colin)
>Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 22:26:27 -0000
>
>James,
>
>Looking back one suggestion I made was unclear. "must continue to eat" is
>suggested to replace "know you can must carry on to eat". Take it or leave
>it.
>
>
>Colin
>
>
>
>
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Wednesday, February 26, 2003 1:34 PM
>Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem(Colin)
>
>
> > Again thankyou. You've hit the button again. After a live workshop on
>this
> > one it now has the title of "Antipathy" and works more with the
>metaphor.
> > The weak parts have been detected an ceremoniously deleted from
>existence
>or
> > changed beyond recognition.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > >From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: [log in to unmask]
> > >Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem
> > >Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 21:17:21 -0000
> > >
> > >James,
> > >
> > >I struggle with titles too and often put them in afterwards. They seem
> > >infinitely exchangeable, as the lines themselves are not. IMO you could
>use
> > >the title to make explicit that you are not addressing the reader but
>the
> > >injured bird. You will know too that the bird is a traditional metaphor
>for
> > >the poet. You might also want to decide that you are going to be
> > >consistently anthropomorphic or consistently scientific (and detached).
>In
> > >S1, the bird appears to know that it will only swim until it dies but
>not
> > >to
> > >have any knowledge of death.
> > >
> > >I've put a couple of other suggs in capitals below:
> > >
> > >
> > >Colin
> > >
> > >----- Original Message -----
> > >From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
> > >To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > >Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2003 2:02 PM
> > >Subject: New sub: An Estuary Poem
> > >
> > >
> > > > This actually has no title as yet, any suggestions welcome, though
>is
> > >one
> > >of
> > > > my continuing series of river estuary poems. Its straight from the
>note
> > >book
> > > > as they tend to be at this stage.
> > > >
> > > > --
> > > > What can you do
> > > > with a broken wing?
> > > > You can still swim
> > > > though also know
> > > > this is it until you die
> > > > with death not a concept
> > > > I assume you understand
> > > >
> > > > Others of your kind
> > > > have left you alone
> > > > are all together in the flock
> > > > over on the marsh grass
> > > > sitting and standing or rooting
> > > > about while you stand
> > > > by the waterline with a useless wing
> > > > then swim across the river
> > > > as if for the comfort of water.
> > > >
> > > > You join a couple of strays
> > > > on the other side
> > > > root among seaweed - know you can
> > > > must carry on to eat THIS IS CLUMSY. I WOULD CONDENSE IT TO
>"MUST
> > >CONTINUE TO EAT...."
> > > > live a little longer
> > > > though in the quietness
> > > > of the river under winter sunlight
> > > > the odds are stacking against
> > > > survival beyond today - maybe tomorrow I WOULD DELETE ALL WORDS
>AFTER
> > >SURVIVAL. THE AUDIENCE CAN WORK OUT THAT IT WON'T BE LONG.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > bw
> > > > James
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
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