James,
Looking back one suggestion I made was unclear. "must continue to eat" is
suggested to replace "know you can must carry on to eat". Take it or leave
it.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, February 26, 2003 1:34 PM
Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem(Colin)
> Again thankyou. You've hit the button again. After a live workshop on this
> one it now has the title of "Antipathy" and works more with the metaphor.
> The weak parts have been detected an ceremoniously deleted from existence
or
> changed beyond recognition.
>
>
>
> bw
> James
>
>
>
>
>
> >From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem
> >Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 21:17:21 -0000
> >
> >James,
> >
> >I struggle with titles too and often put them in afterwards. They seem
> >infinitely exchangeable, as the lines themselves are not. IMO you could
use
> >the title to make explicit that you are not addressing the reader but the
> >injured bird. You will know too that the bird is a traditional metaphor
for
> >the poet. You might also want to decide that you are going to be
> >consistently anthropomorphic or consistently scientific (and detached).
In
> >S1, the bird appears to know that it will only swim until it dies but not
> >to
> >have any knowledge of death.
> >
> >I've put a couple of other suggs in capitals below:
> >
> >
> >Colin
> >
> >----- Original Message -----
> >From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: <[log in to unmask]>
> >Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2003 2:02 PM
> >Subject: New sub: An Estuary Poem
> >
> >
> > > This actually has no title as yet, any suggestions welcome, though is
> >one
> >of
> > > my continuing series of river estuary poems. Its straight from the
note
> >book
> > > as they tend to be at this stage.
> > >
> > > --
> > > What can you do
> > > with a broken wing?
> > > You can still swim
> > > though also know
> > > this is it until you die
> > > with death not a concept
> > > I assume you understand
> > >
> > > Others of your kind
> > > have left you alone
> > > are all together in the flock
> > > over on the marsh grass
> > > sitting and standing or rooting
> > > about while you stand
> > > by the waterline with a useless wing
> > > then swim across the river
> > > as if for the comfort of water.
> > >
> > > You join a couple of strays
> > > on the other side
> > > root among seaweed - know you can
> > > must carry on to eat THIS IS CLUMSY. I WOULD CONDENSE IT TO "MUST
> >CONTINUE TO EAT...."
> > > live a little longer
> > > though in the quietness
> > > of the river under winter sunlight
> > > the odds are stacking against
> > > survival beyond today - maybe tomorrow I WOULD DELETE ALL WORDS AFTER
> >SURVIVAL. THE AUDIENCE CAN WORK OUT THAT IT WON'T BE LONG.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > bw
> > > James
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > _________________________________________________________________
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> > >
> > >
>
>
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