Again thankyou. You've hit the button again. After a live workshop on this
one it now has the title of "Antipathy" and works more with the metaphor.
The weak parts have been detected an ceremoniously deleted from existence or
changed beyond recognition.
bw
James
>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: An Estuary Poem
>Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 21:17:21 -0000
>
>James,
>
>I struggle with titles too and often put them in afterwards. They seem
>infinitely exchangeable, as the lines themselves are not. IMO you could use
>the title to make explicit that you are not addressing the reader but the
>injured bird. You will know too that the bird is a traditional metaphor for
>the poet. You might also want to decide that you are going to be
>consistently anthropomorphic or consistently scientific (and detached). In
>S1, the bird appears to know that it will only swim until it dies but not
>to
>have any knowledge of death.
>
>I've put a couple of other suggs in capitals below:
>
>
>Colin
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2003 2:02 PM
>Subject: New sub: An Estuary Poem
>
>
> > This actually has no title as yet, any suggestions welcome, though is
>one
>of
> > my continuing series of river estuary poems. Its straight from the note
>book
> > as they tend to be at this stage.
> >
> > --
> > What can you do
> > with a broken wing?
> > You can still swim
> > though also know
> > this is it until you die
> > with death not a concept
> > I assume you understand
> >
> > Others of your kind
> > have left you alone
> > are all together in the flock
> > over on the marsh grass
> > sitting and standing or rooting
> > about while you stand
> > by the waterline with a useless wing
> > then swim across the river
> > as if for the comfort of water.
> >
> > You join a couple of strays
> > on the other side
> > root among seaweed - know you can
> > must carry on to eat THIS IS CLUMSY. I WOULD CONDENSE IT TO "MUST
>CONTINUE TO EAT...."
> > live a little longer
> > though in the quietness
> > of the river under winter sunlight
> > the odds are stacking against
> > survival beyond today - maybe tomorrow I WOULD DELETE ALL WORDS AFTER
>SURVIVAL. THE AUDIENCE CAN WORK OUT THAT IT WON'T BE LONG.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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> >
> >
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