Thanks Colin,

You've managed to home in on the weak points in this piece. They have been
corected or have gone altogether now. Thanks for confirming later thoughts.



bw
James





>From: Colin dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Planning Day
>Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 21:27:35 -0000
>
>James,
>
>In meetings always choose a seat facing the window, I say.
>
>S2 and S3 have too much descritption and don't serve to conjure up an
>imaginative space.
>
>In S5 I would say "light and shadow". See capitals below for further suggs.
>
>
>Colin
>
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2003 1:49 PM
>Subject: New sub: Planning Day
>
>
> > I've had a busy time with the day job recently so no postings. This is
>one
> > that came out of the day job. It's still under construction and some
>comment
> > would be valuable at this stage.
> >
> > PLANNING DAY
> >
> > Outside the window
> > beside the space where our speaker speaks
> > there is the end of a high stone wall.
> >
> > Running ninety degrees to the wall
> > is a wooden fence
> > its top covered in green algae.
> >
> > Beyond the fence
> > through ovehanging cedar branches
> > I thought I could see the sky -
> >
> > realise now it is the white walls of a house.
> >
> > Somewhere off to the right the sun has just come out
> > and shines through the cedar leaves and branches -
> > casts light a shadow on the wall and fence.
> >
> > The light filtered through the leaf fronds
> > serves to disperse the sense of being..........FRONDS DISPERSES THE
>SENSE
>OF BEING..........(OTHERWISE VERBOSE)
> > inside a room with no option
> >
> > other than to stay put all day.
> >
> > A cat has appeared on the wall
> > its antics of more interest than our speaker....... THIS LINE TOO
>PROSAIC.
> >
> > I notice the window is also a fire door
> > and a green sign says - push bar and open. LIKE THIS METAPHOR. I'M READY
>TO TAKE FLIGHT. HAVE YOU READ "THE GREEN DOOR" BY HG WELLS? (MY FAVOURITE
>SHORT STORY). BEYOND IT THERE IS AN IMAGINATIVE SPACE.
> >
> > I feel its a sign, an auger - is good
> > makes me feel content
> > there will always be this option.TOO MANY SIGNS OF GOODNESS IN THIS
>STANZA. THEY WEAKEN RATHER THAN AUGMENT EACH OTHER.
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Chat online in real time with MSN Messenger http://messenger.msn.co.uk
> >
> >


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