James,
I struggle with titles too and often put them in afterwards. They seem
infinitely exchangeable, as the lines themselves are not. IMO you could use
the title to make explicit that you are not addressing the reader but the
injured bird. You will know too that the bird is a traditional metaphor for
the poet. You might also want to decide that you are going to be
consistently anthropomorphic or consistently scientific (and detached). In
S1, the bird appears to know that it will only swim until it dies but not to
have any knowledge of death.
I've put a couple of other suggs in capitals below:
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "James Bell" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, February 22, 2003 2:02 PM
Subject: New sub: An Estuary Poem
> This actually has no title as yet, any suggestions welcome, though is one
of
> my continuing series of river estuary poems. Its straight from the note
book
> as they tend to be at this stage.
>
> --
> What can you do
> with a broken wing?
> You can still swim
> though also know
> this is it until you die
> with death not a concept
> I assume you understand
>
> Others of your kind
> have left you alone
> are all together in the flock
> over on the marsh grass
> sitting and standing or rooting
> about while you stand
> by the waterline with a useless wing
> then swim across the river
> as if for the comfort of water.
>
> You join a couple of strays
> on the other side
> root among seaweed - know you can
> must carry on to eat THIS IS CLUMSY. I WOULD CONDENSE IT TO "MUST
CONTINUE TO EAT...."
> live a little longer
> though in the quietness
> of the river under winter sunlight
> the odds are stacking against
> survival beyond today - maybe tomorrow I WOULD DELETE ALL WORDS AFTER
SURVIVAL. THE AUDIENCE CAN WORK OUT THAT IT WON'T BE LONG.
>
>
>
> bw
> James
>
>
>
>
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