Hi Daniel,
I like the fun of this! Each line feels so relaxed and slow (which might so
subtly be because the poem starts with words that could be a blues holler:
"I woke up one morning and..." - It feels as slow as if BB King could be
playing his Lucille when the line gets to its end. I like that!). Having
something that starts like a blues and looks like a sonnet is a great mix!
I'm worried, though, that one stanza rhymes! I know you've got 2 rhyme lines
in the first stanza, too: romancing/peeping both end with the same sound -
but they don't yell out, "Hey, listen to us, we rhyme!"). So, I guess the
lines:
"other mothers sons rode a wind, thrown like posies,
many a garden in a moment became forlorn."
could be readily altered (maybe a different similie to posies & the word
"forlorn" has plenty of synonyms).
Bob
>From: Sarah Janes <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub. To good to be indoors.
>Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2003 23:11:21 +0100
>
>To good to be indoors.
>
>I woke up one morning and no one was cleaning cars
>the doves and hawks were dancing, romancing,
>eyes closed, with only the children peeping
>by the millions the gnomes and statues thought of mother.
>
>No one declared this day a prayer-a-thon
>comedians and celebs turned their grinners off
>weathermen pocketed clouds, stuck up a high
>little men twitched on silver threads like flies.
>
>The people scooped up petals from their roses,
>other mothers sons rode a wind, thrown like posies,
>many a garden in a moment became forlorn.
>The fathers will trim their edges, each Sunday morn
>
>then silently whittle away with their pruning knives,
>after washing muddy stairs, wives simply sit down, and sit.
>
>
>Daniel Janes.
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