I wrote this for a workshop on anti-racism (My poems take an oblique
approach as you will appreciate). The age-range is KS3. It is delivered in
best Billy Connolly/headteacher voice:
FUNGUS
Your fungus
or facial hair
is horrendous
but you don’t care!
The vendors
and the makers
of shaving tackle
are going out of business
because of you scruff.
You raise incredible hackle.
Enough is enough!
Can you not feel
how insulated you’re becoming.
Nothing touches your face.
I’d need to hit it
with a Parliamentary mace
or something
to even raise a tickle.
And your nose looks like a pickle
glued to a coconut.
Don’t give me any ‘but’.
It’s all beard with you.
You’re folickly-challenged.
You don’t regard it as an issue.
Take a big wide look
in the silvered glass.
You’re a great bearded spook.
Make a pass with a razor.
Adopt a golf club blazer.
You’ll be glad you took
a smooth transition
more in keeping with tradition.
Take the long view
if I were you.
Can you imagine
A positively furry
Archbishop of Canterbury?
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