I felt you had said all you needed in the first stanza. The phrase "proclaim
hope's rennaisance" grates as it's striving too hard for poetical effect and
sounds a little archaic to my ears.
bw
James
>From: David Anthony <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Remembered Wings
>Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 00:35:17 +0000
>
>Remembered Wings
>
>Year after year their timing was the same.
>As early summer took the place of spring
>my swallows came, and briskly gathering
>would breed, then raise their young and so proclaim
>hope’s renaissance. Each darted sharp as flame
>between the earth and sky, remembering
>old haunts, despite long miles of wandering.
>This year I waited but they never came.
>
>Autumn’s a time for leaving. Cherished things
>are embers, as remembered flames burn low,
>and vanish with the chill the first frost brings.
>A time to grieve, though sadly now not so:
>never to greet those brave arriving wings
>avoids the pain of parting when they go.
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