Hi Arthur,
Oh, this is a much better version, IMHO.
And, BTW, your messages were always so distorted and full of weird
hyroglyphs I often did not read them...sorry... :(
But, it seems Gerald did indeed help you fix the problem and now I can! :)
CW, Mary :O)
--- Arthur <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I am grateful for all the comments on this poem,and there are many,
> mostly
> concened with the choice of words in some places and their " antiquity".
> I accept the charge to some degree but struggle to see that as a fault,
> perhaps because this short poem contains so many, highlights them
> rather.
> Take for instance " loquacious", why should I choose that particular
> word.
> Well I wanted to convey the only sound was the noise made by the feeding
> stream into the pool, chattering, clattering , pattering, babbling etc
> all
> seemed cliche( another crime) so I looked deeper into the lexicographic
> dustbin of my mind and found loquacious, said it to myself afew times ,
> felt
> it had a watery nature all of its own by sound alone and it contained
> the
> description I required, so I chose it.It was not chosen to impress with
> my
> vocabulary but because it seemed the right word.
> As for arbour and bowered I wanted to convey the "closed in ness" of the
> place whose only access was a narrow path and the parting of the trees
> high
> up, a solitary insulated private place.
> "asunder "was allusuve in intent referring to " I kiss my hand to the
> stars
> , lovely asunder"( Hopkins)............is allusion to be eschewed also?
>
> so here is a re-write or an alternative version:
>
> Bathing by starlight.
>
> Here, where the round shouldered shrubs
> drop petals on the skin of dark waters,
> the clear and cradled pool beckons.
>
> The night is a cloister of looming trees.
> Stars crackle high over the bush,
> strange constellations where cartwheeling Orion
>
> tumbles the rest apart.
> I stand naked and cool, white as any petal,
> sacked by fever, these wedges of sudden bone
>
> lowered into the grip of chill water.
> Lulled by the plashings of my swim
> and quiet gossip of the feeding stream,
>
> I roll and float, a pale fish,
> belly up, silent as the depths of ocean;
> count the countless stars, as the world wheels and hurtles.
>
>
> Now which is better? I hope Gerald has sorted out my problem, for which
> profuse and effusive felicitations, oops sorry that should be Ta!
=====
Good Cheer & Be Well,
Maryann Hazen-Stearns
"Under The Limbo Stick"
http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
also available at these locations:
http://www.vivisphere.com http://www.amazon.com
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