I've done some work with young offenders and don't find I can relate wel to
how the poem sounds at the moment. What point are you trying to make. You
need to be direct and not wrap things up. The second stanza is very
judgemental. I'd try and write without judging here. I think you could
create abetter effect by losing the last line too. 1st stanza lose "in
which". I think you need more time with this piece to consider the direction
of the poem. At the moment it doesn't quite ring true and is slightly
sensational whereas reality is more prosaic.
bw
James
>From: cara may <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub: Offender
>Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2002 18:00:50 +0000
>
>-- Offender
>
>
>
> For months you have thwarted
> the most talented of investigators.
> They have failed to read
> your finger-prints, write your profile,
> identify the places
> in which you lurk.
>
> You continue your assault,
> twist your victim's gut,
> bleach his face,
> bring such rage to his tongue
> that even his closest friend
> is ready to desert him.
>
> 'No current identity' they say,
> shadower of past pain, lingerer
> in neurone, axon, synapse,
> to be evicted
> by the battering-ram
> of tranquillisers.
>
> I am your victim's closest friend.
> I ask you to leave quietly. Now.
>
>cara february 2001
>
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