----- Original Message -----
From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, February 04, 2002 11:53 AM
Subject: New Sub: The Marriage


> Read on down below (for C & C) and...
> N.B. The words presented inbetween *'s are supposed to be read as *in
> italics* but I'm refraining from using Rich Text Format (which may give me
> italics but gives some of you lotza irritation).
> Bob

*good idea* -- much better than overblown HTML format

>
> The Marriage
>
> Round her skirt I still tried to watch the news
> as more violent words ripped bulkheads
> with a force as strong as nature on a structure
> that had been launched with cheers, bought
> and re-sold, and was now called *General Belgrano.*

might not "now was" be better?
like the opening and the past tense is appropriate for once

> On the screen many talking heads, Jon Snow
> pushing models, saying which direction she sailed
> out of the conflict, or so she thought, as in the depths,
> because this is the way it always gets done,
> the cold command was being followed, *Engage.*
>
> I went outside, watched the blood moon rise,
> heard next door's cat's yowl and another's replies,

surely anothers doesn't need an apostrophe
like its and yours

> then, still not knowing what to say, returned,
> and still a snatch of old film, the guesses,

I'd advice against using the word still twice
you've already used it in the first stanza
with connotations of "film-stills" possibly
in the minds of readers, the first is probably redundant

> while, next to me, a face that gleamed *Gotcha.*
>
> Later, in a pub, I heard one of the submariners
> slowly talking through the crump of each distant hit,
> saying, *No, no cheering. In fact somebody wept.
> And me? I just sat there, did what I had to,
> even when, far below, the last big explosion began.*
>
I liked the ending
one thinks of explosions being
instantaneous [over in a flash]
the idea that they begin -- and presumably later finish
is startling and apposite.

I assume from the title
that poems is also intended
to allegorical.

yours
Gerald