Trri, I'm sure I see this different than John does, him with a better
grounding in the classical form. But I see:
hidden beneath dried leaves and twigs
a bird's nest its family gone
[I thought about using "fledglings" instead of "family". What do you all
think?]
I would break at beneath to carry bird's nest on the next line. Drop its
(count be damned). The real question is how to be get the l, d/t or b sound
where family is. Fledglings might work there. Or change bird to finch or
another that carries those or the f sound. I thought babies but do not like
that.
*
in the crook of a barren tree
a wren's nest survived first storm
Again, sounds come to mind: branches/barren wren/wind crook/cowbird or
crow though those carry connotations songbirds do not. Cowbirds steal
theirs.
A good set, now if you jazzed each with a 3/4 line and added a 1/3 line at
the end.
Thanks.
Gary
January guest Nat at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html,
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Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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