Gerald, Sorry to have left my reply so late. I am
grateful to you for your careful reading and the
constructive points you make which I shall try to
incorporate if I think a re-write is worthwhile. Only
one of your remarks confuses me a little (the
'flickering' language). Would one not always end up
withsome kind of a mixture if one incorporated direct
speech into a narrative? This may be interpreted as a
rhetorical question, cheers, cara
--- Gerald England <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > I find
this a slightly strange poem
> in that the language
> seems to flicker
> between the formal and the informal
>
> some comments below
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: cara may <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Monday, January 21, 2002 4:55 PM
> Subject: New sub:Dramatis Persona
>
>
> > -- Dramatis Persona
> >
> >
> >
> > I see the pet dog first
> > He noses and waddles
> > Then his master follows
> > 'You've cut it fine again' he chides
> > I laugh, agree
> > 'He's been chasing rabbits'
> > he says, as before and before
>
> "as before and before"
> since this isn't within quotes
> I have to assume that it isn't the man
> telling you his dog often chases rabbits
> but you telling us that the man
> tells you this tale every time you visit the tip
> -- it seems awkward
> and I'm sure you could rephrase it better.
>
> > 'Only he's getting too old and too slow
> > Had a good day though'
> >
> > I've been here
> > in this gaunt one-time quarry
> > on my own, off-loading
> > garden refuse into the skip
> > marked 'This one and no other'
> >
> > I'm back in my car now
> > my wary eyes upon
> > this man without a shown self
> > who may suddenly opt to play
>
> i think might might be better than may
>
> > victim, rogue or villain
> > or who knows which of the Humours
>
> it isn't obvious on first reading
> that "who" is part of the phrase "who-knows-which"
> rather than being associated with
> "this man"....who knows ...
>
> > on the stage
> > of this lonely amphitheatre
> >
> > I smile and thank
> > through the open window
> > slide away
> > from any possible performance
> > two minutes to spare
> > before his closing time
> >
> >
> >
> > cara january 2002
>
> I'm not sure about your
> intransitive use of the verb thank.
>
> The idea of the poem is good
> but it needs to be made
> either plainer
> or more mysterious.
> as it stands
> it seems to be neither one thing nor t'other.
>
> yours
> Gerald
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