It's heavy with adjectives, but they build the atmosphere well, mostly.
A skimmer: that'd be a tile in Brit, I suppose?
And MJM: Mary Jane from Wild, I imagine?
David, yes and I am trimming thanks to Sue S and others. Skimmer - the flat
barber shop kind, lady version. MJ is indeed.
*
Lovely idea here, like
a song. You will of course want to keep your own sense of rhythm, but just
trim the excess.
Sue, thanks for all you've done.
*
gary this is well described but I sometimes think poems like this are a bit
too personal... how do we universalise these experiences? I didn't think
this about your kitchen poem (I liked the "pour house" etc) but in this case
I feel I am somewhere rather uincomfortably private when I read it. I think
using Mama and Papa adds to this dificulty in the poem (for me).
Sally-ee. Interesting. I've never got that reaction before. The poem is
fiction (as much as any), so if you are uncomfortable I suppose the poem is
sucessful. Mama and Papa was a tough call. Do we not do that and leave
them impersonal? What does that say about the narrator and their
relationship? And does it fit the end?
If we use M and P, have we moved into the too sentimental? I changed this
one several times before deciding.
*
This is a lovely poem that has just the right tone and rhythmn for the
subject matter. They all compliment each other. Great stuff.
James, thanks.
And thanks to all.
Gary
January guest Nat at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html,
Submissions: http://www.writershood.com/index.html
Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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