Hi Arthur,
This is a fine read! Monologues are powerful. And you've got a really
powerful ending!
As a crit all I'm wondering about is the line:
"I was seventeen when I came to England with no language except," and I feel
there's too many words... could it be
"I was 17 when I came, no English except,
"A job please," "how much for that loaf of bread."
or something like that...
and the word "smeared" (wow, what a powerful word!) is so powerful I can't
help but notice it's used twice!
But it's a fine read (that's easily made finer!),
Bob
>From: arthur seeley <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub: A Visit with Sonny in Ward 3.
>Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 12:06:35 -0000
>
>A Visit with Sonny in Ward 3.
>
>
>
>The river was cold as death in November ‘56
>
>when I piled my clothes on my neck,
>
>slid naked through the reeds
>
>and swam into Austria.
>
>We had fought their tanks with bottles of petrol,
>
>that is no myth, but many of us died for our impudence.
>
>They smeared my brother against a wall
>
>as he screamed at me, “ Go!”
>
>
>
>You do not really want to know
>
>how we waited and waited for days.
>
>We fought tanks with bottles and waited
>
>for you to come to us but you never came.
>
>In the end some of us died screaming, some went home,
>
>some of us came to you;
>
>slid through reeds and swam a river
>
>that plucked the breath from us.
>
>
>
>I stood on the far bank and shivered
>
>as I watched the river curve on
>
>through the stubbled fields and low farms
>
>on towards the smeared walls and clatter of tanks.
>
>I was seventeen when I came to England with no language except,
>
>a job please and how much is a loaf of bread
>
>but I could live now with no bundle on my back
>
>and walk without looking behind.
>
>
>
>I have been home three times since
>
>to see my sisters and give them money.
>
>The river still swirls brown under the Margit Hid
>
>but the smeared walls of the city
>
>are whitewashed now.
>
>Do you think they will put all this
>
>on my gravestone, Arthur?
>
>or just my name and some dates?
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