Ann,

This is a fascinating comment, not so much the bit about the ands and theys,
which I am happy to take on as a deficiency in style, but the comment about
Royalty. It forces me to  think of an intended audience. Perhaps I have
written too many poems bludgeoning out the "message", beginning, middle and
end. This poem and others like it is an attempt to redress the balance and
to leave more to the reader. I owe this technique to reading Tom Pow, whose
work I admire. But I had read his poems many times before I noticed it and
then once I had noticed it, I found it when I looked. How transparent must
poetry be? It depends on who is to read it. But if you think about that too
much you get distracted from the business of writing poetry as you want to
write it.

Thanks for the amendments,

Colin


> -----Original Message-----
> From: V. W. [SMTP:[log in to unmask]]
> Sent: Thursday, December 19, 2002 6:56 PM
> To:   [log in to unmask]
> Subject:      Re: newsub(variables)
>
> I
> Dear Colin, I find it hard to describe the way a poem is written and
> easier to show. This one seemed over burdened with ands and theys and
> until you explained the royalty bit to Christina I too had missed it. Good
> description though of just how fickle and damaging people can be without
> really intending the greater malice and disastrous outcomes that can
> follow in the wake of just a harmless piece of gossip.
> See omissions below, just my personal  opinion, ignore anything you don't
> feel is right                          regards Ann
>
>
>
>       On the non-independence of variables
>
>
>       People had noticed a slowing down,
>       just little oversights and errors
>       and spoke of them behind her back,
>       the work neglected, the messages
>       not passed on - bad news
>       for someone with her job.
>       And the more they heard them mentioned
>       The more they
>
>
>    couldn't help comments cleverly snide.
>
>
>
>
>       Alone, not one
>       would have made anything
>
>
> of such small incidents.
>
>
>       The dropped spoon,
>       the misdirected letter
>       but together in twos and threes over tea
>       they gossiped in the nicest possible way
>       until everyone knew .
>       She said she would retire,
>
>       and one by one
>       people changed their tune,
>       sensed regret,
>       said over and over again
>       how much they'd enjoyed
>       working with her.
>       Then someone had a whip round.
>
>       Weeks passed
>       until I sat at the farewell party too, eating
>       free cakes and sandwiches
>       because I was in the building.
>       Wrote on the card my own remark
>       to add to comments already  present,
>       "Have a nice life", "Remember me
>       when you are rich and famous"
>       and "I'll see you in heaven".
>
>       They gave her a great send off
>       with balloons and the  (obligatory) watch,
>
>
>    even a retirement bouquet,
>
>
>       and stood in crowds to see her go
>       in the decorated car,
>
>
> slowly and in grand style
>
>
>       like some departing royalty.
>
>       __________________
>
>
>
>