Barbara,

Thanks for the feedback. Definitely not out of line. I like the suggested
deletions. What is IMO?

If I cut the last line, "like royalty", then I would lose the symbolic side
of the poem as this line is the only part of the poem that alludes to it
directly. I have been reading and trying to learn from people that use a
retro-metaphor to energise their poetry. It leaves much of the imagining to
the reader. I am not at all interested in royalty, pro or anti, but when
Princess Diana lived and died, or when various other members of the Royal
family made appearances I couldn't help noticing mass currents pro or anti
sweeping through the country. These currents were both strong and fickle.


A whip round is a collection (asking for a small amount of money from
interested parties for a tip or a leaving present).

Colin

> -----Original Message-----
> From: Barbara Ostrander [SMTP:[log in to unmask]]
> Sent: Wednesday, December 18, 2002 12:30 PM
> To:   [log in to unmask]
> Subject:      Re: newsub(variables)
>
> Colin,
>
> The first two stanzas are very strong IMO.  I could feel the tension
> building.  It begin to lose the tension after that for me.  Comments
> below, Colin.  I've taken a bit of liberty.
>
> Barbara Ostrander
>
>
>
>
>       On the non-independence of variables
>
>
>       People had noticed her slowing down,
>       her little oversights and errors
>       and spoke of them behind her back,
>       the work neglected, the messages
>       not passed on - bad news
>       for someone with her job.
>       And the more they heard them mentioned
>       The more they were annoyed
>       And couldn't help comments cleverly snide.
>
>       Not one on their own
>       would have made anything of them,
>       the dropped spoon,
>       the misdirected letter
>       but they got together in twos and threes over tea
>       and gossiped in the nicest possible way
>       until everyone knew very well she was going downhill
>       and I think she came to see it too,
>       as she said she would retire
>
>       and one by one
>       people changed their tune.
>       They sensed regret
>       and said over and over again
>       how much they'd enjoyed
>       working with her.
>       Then someone had a whip round.**don't get this line
>
>       Weeks passed
>       until the big day came
>       and I sat at the farewell party too, eating
>       free cakes and sandwiches
>       because I was in the building***delete this line
>       and wrote on the card my own remark
>       to add to the comments already  present, such as,***delete such as
>       "Have a nice life", "Remember me
>       when you are rich and famous"
>       and "I'll see you in heaven".
>
>       Humorous regards. That's right
>       they gave her a great send off
>       with the balloons and retirement bouquet,
>       the gift vouchers and the new watch
>       and stood in crowds to see her go
>       in the decorated car, slowly and in grand style
>       like royalty.****
>
>
>
>
> All right, Colin, I don't usually do this but see what you think.  I would
> delete the last two lines beginning at 'slowly and in grand style' and end
> the piece with something about wondering who would be next or someone just
> noticed that so and so is dropping their pens,etc.. The gossip, the
> cattiness, the terrible control when numbers begin to gang up together.
> Bring the tension that you had in the first two stanzas back into the
> ending.
>
> That was what went through my mind, a bit of disappointment that the
> tension died away and that the last of this piece became a bit
> predictable.
>
> I really liked the subject and the way you started out....
>
> I hope I haven't been out of line, just what went through my head, feel
> free to delete it all.
>
> Best,
> Barbara
>
>
>
>
>       __________________
>
>
>
>