Hi Gary
I've said this a few times tonight: "It seems a tad long..." But not too
much too long. The 3 lines about the night fog... (perhaps don't say as much
as all the other anecdotes/images slotted into the narrative).
The last line, tho, took me by totally by surprise! I feel I want her to be
as alive as the stories I've heard. I don't want to feel sad at the end. I
want to feel that her style of life goes on...
Bob
Bob, I don't disagree, always a problem how many examples to include. I
have 6 lost and 5 found, 3 types of load at the start and 3 cabin items at
the end, which except for the 6 seems right. But I'll keep at it. I did
cut one line and rearranged as in:
Night fog so thick on the Bay bridge,
stoplights morphed into bat's eyes,
gully washer on the Platte,
drive-by in Susanville,
speed trap where brothers once died,
each for their own vision of freedom.
which might make the fog work better.
The end? I always seem to write one line too many. With rest before this
one seems to work, but may be that one too many. But I don't see the ending
as sad meself.
Thanks.
Gary
Dec Byron Sacre at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html... Writer's
Hood at http://www.writershood.com/... Poets for Peace.... ˇPoemas sí, balas
no!
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