Hello again James,
I´m afraid this one doesn´t work so well for me as the Fishing sonnet. I didn´t get the idea of some lines and phrases, e.g. line 3. I think that some of your sentences are rather awkwardly construsted and this affects the rhythm of the lines as well as being difficult to read, e.g. lines 6-8. Also, I found some of your images a bit far-fetched, e.g. `an etiolated gorgon´ and `a stylised perch´ take some swallowing, but when they refer to the same object I fear the reader will be simply puzzled.
I think this one will need some work.
Best wishes, Mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
Here's a fairly loose try at a sonnet that takes up the standard 14 lines
though I believe even this convention is being broken by poets. Tell me what
you think. It one of my seasonal affective pieces as I hate this time of
year.
BREAK OUT INTO THE SUN
Break out into the sun,
it is something you need to do,
grab the essence of life as earthen stones repel rays
sent through on clearer days,
glance off as more sunlight pours out its constancy.
The sharp relief of detail on the river is thrown
out onto the eyes as is this reflection of sunlight
on the water before you -
a tree branch sticks surreally from the river,
an etiolated gorgon, water logged and grim
though still proud
incongruous, like a stylised perch for a canary in a cage
though no tern or kittiwake comes near -
perhaps intuitively aware or the metaphor.
bw
James
_________________________________________________________________
The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
|