Hello James,
I almost remember the original version of this and as far as memory serves you´ve improved it a lot. A couple of points to notice. In line 3 I think the word `each´ should be singular so `each a seasoned lounger´ and the verb in the next line would then be `craves´. In line 8 I´m not sure what the subject of the verb `ignore´ should be, but if you place a comma after `movement´ and make the verb `ignores´, then the subject could be `their attention´. In line 11 I think I would remove `here´ at the beginning and use `under debate´ at the end. I expect you´ve already found the typo in the final line - `disdain´.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes, Mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
I osted this a few weeks ago to universal unacclaim but much encouragement
for which I thank you all who commented. Here's another go at the sonnet.
FISHING, NOT FISHING
With the tide out on the estuary
both banks have drawn closer,
anglers and geese, each seasoned loungers
in the sun who crave this sanctuary.
Their attention to water level
is much older than thispassing moment,
with occasional nods to water movement
and ingore all midday razzle-dazzle.
Neither cares about the wider landscape
or watches background colour and shade,
here the best way to fish is not for debate
as each knows the way of nature is to keep instep.
The fish today avoid the lure of unsavoury bait
while all distain, with perfect ease, the cliche'd.
bw
James
_________________________________________________________________
MSN 8 helps eliminate e-mail viruses. Get 2 months FREE*.
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus
|