Barbara Thank you for your crits. Yes you are probbaly right about the last
verse I see what you mean. I sometimes do this and it does not always work.
I have a habit of going from past to present tense and also day to night. I
will work on this. The poem was about music and I did get carried away. I
also shifted seasons too which may be was saying too much. I think I will
omit the last verse altogether Thank you SallyJ
>From: Barbara Ostrander <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub Music from the stars
>Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002 17:31:54 EST
>
>Sally,
>
>This is very beautiful. Lovely and fresh.
>
>The last verse seemed to change the tenor of the piece when you go from
>past
>to present tense. I felt it weakened the piece somehow. Maybe I am
>missing
>the point?
>
>Best,
>Barbara Ostrander
>
>
> > Music from the stars
> >
> > I heard the melody
> > when a star fell in my bedroom
> > I picked it up and polished the shine
> > put it away for a frosty morning
> > when ice zings on starched windows
> > and snow twirls on a cold wind.
> >
> > I threw that snatch of a raw tune
> > into the air, let it bounce of an old oak**off
> > slither along a white pond
> > No one knew it was there
> > It was the glisten of a berry
> > that brought it to life
> > The stab of a thorn
> > that made a hole in the air
> > let music flow straight to the heart
> > beat in time like an old drum
> >
> > Rythmn is captured in the long grass***rhythm
> > in pale blossom on a spring day
> > budding leaves are crotchets on trees
> > I have heard them sing
> > In the fall they become a requiem
> > a melody that lingers in the earth
> > I have seen cold branches
> > search for lost keys with forked fingers
> > catch stars that fall near a haloed moon.
> >
> > Sally James
> >
> >
> >
>
_________________________________________________________________
The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
|