Thanks Marilyn, the suggestions are very helpful.



bw
James





>From: Marilyn Injeyan <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Reading Poetry
>Date: Sun, 8 Dec 2002 13:00:03 EST
>
>In a message dated 12/7/02 4:16:35 AM Pacific Standard Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
>Hi James,
>I enjoyed the lilt and imagery.  I would suggest a little tightening up.
>Here are a few comments:
>
>Thanks,
>Marilyn
>
> >
> > READING POETRY
> >
> > Already after much reading
> > the pages of quality paper   (do you need "of quality paper"?)
> > have began to fray -
> > by accident a spot of tea  (don't need "by accident")
> > has tarnished the perfect
> > bound paper wrapper cover
> > on the front.                       (omit "on the front")
> > After listening to you read
> > the reonance still comes
> > from the text set in               (How about just from the Goudy Old
>Style
> > text?)
> > Goudy Old Style and makes
> > new poems possibilities
> > each time each poem here  (no here)
> > is read, though it is said
> > you need to be young to hold
> > such feeling in the breast
> > and just goes to show                (Do you need this line?)
> > the state of perishable flesh    ( I like "the state of perishable
>flesh")
> > is nothing whatever age
> > it finally lights out at
> > no longer tuned in to the
> > strains of a blue guitar      ( good references to other poems in these
> > next 3 lines)
> > or fresh figs in a still
> > blue bowl of nakedness
> > and sensuality that defies years  ( don't think you need this line, it
> > tells not shows)
> > for flesh has nothing
> > on the power of the muse
> > to take us places we
> > have never been and place
> > the experiences between paper
> > you want to lick like
> > vanilla ice cream - consume       ( This and the three lines are strong)
> > each syllable before it melts
> > and slips incoherently
> > between your fingers
> > instead of printed fast
> > on paper like fine parchment
> > to exist longer at least
> > a hundred years or so after
> > our own tinme - and then
> > there's the thought that
> > the text will either be
> > gone or forgotten in the rush
> > of verse that comes from       ( Could the poem end with (of verse that
> > comes?)
>    all those around, or will
> > have found a new format
> > beyon
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
>


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