Hello James,
I´m clearing a backlog and haven´t looked at any other comments on this one so forgive me if I repeat what others have said. I enjoyed the poem a lot, it´s very atmospheric and you create the scene and movements effectively. I liked tone, too. I think that nature/ descriptive poems need something more than just straight description to make them interesting. I mean an angle, not a `message´. I like your angle here. I was puzzled by the inclusion of ( spelt wrong) in line 6, what´s it doing there? Also I think you could drop the line `a uniformly dressed priesthood´ as it repeats (almost) the previous line and slows down your scene building. That would also mean removing that from the folowing line and changing the verbs, of course. I wonder if `joined in´ in the last line is quite right. What about `part of´ ? The whole thing works well. I loved the line `slow body waddle and plod´. Great.
Best wishes, Mike
--- Alkuperäinen viesti ---
A rough cut from the note book. C&C welcome .
PROCESSION
By some tacit agreement they all
silently move in procession
from shoreline up the mudbank
and loosely congregate round
and old mooring post among
the marrum (spelt wrong) grass
an evangelical gathering of
white breasts and black heads
a uniformly dressed priesthood
that then stands still and waits
for who knows what in quiet communion
while only a stray honk of dissent
breaks the hush as the wind blows
in off the estuary
even the slow body waddle and plod
of large webbed feet up the bank
is freeze framed - only the trickle
of low tide water not joined in the effect
bw
James
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