Dear noun,
I'm afraid this didn't work for me. I think you've got a strong idea in the
title, but you've thrown it away by burying it in a poem that reads like a
poor American popsong, rather than developing it in an interesting way.
If you want to use dialect,(which I found overdone here) I think you have to
be consistent, and not have explosives in one line, and 'splosives in
another.
Kind regards,
grasshopper
----- Original Message -----
From: "noun" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, November 22, 2002 1:34 AM
Subject: new sub...You gotta vent citrus
> Bed down momma
> the fires gone to nothin'
> children stop cryin'
> an' I aint done lovin'
>
> Rooster be callin'
> for ya get done workin'
> one night left 'efor
> I leave out a truckin'
>
> These nights go by
> fast as they can
> slow it down a little
> with your lovin' man
>
> You know...
>
> This is the last night
> I'm gonna see your pretty face
> for three weeks
> I got the California run
> bottles out citrus back
> citrus is tough baby
> you got to vent citrus
> but is is better than explosives
> 'member when I tol' you 'bout that?
> 'Splosives pay good though
> but I like haulin'...you up in my arms
> jus' like this
> Oh momma
> you gittin' this ol' trucker's
> blood up
>
> noun
>
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