Fair comment Marilyn. Consider the line gone. Thanks for your input.
bw
James
>From: Marilyn Injeyan <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Pitch
>Date: Tue, 19 Nov 2002 11:49:17 EST
>
>In a message dated 11/19/02 1:09:11 AM Pacific Standard Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
>Hi James,
>I really like this poem's rhythm and sense. One suggestion: do you need
>"though we are on deck"? You mention being on deck later in the stanza. I
>especially enjoy the
>second stanza, feel I'm on board.
>
>Marilyn
>
> > PITCH
> >
> > Nothing beyond the ship riding lights
> > except for specks of others like fire flies
> > in the far distance
> > that should not exist upon the sea
> > like you and me
> > though we are on deck
> > watching the ship's white wash
> > on a glacial sea
> > watching ourselves journey together
> > watching us smile at each other
> > watching how we hold hands
> > on deck and walk on together
> > one of those moments we want
> > to last forever
> >
> > no sunset to gaze into
> > though we are together
> > pitched between land
> > and land and will land
> > in the future beyond
> > the present dark sea
> >
> >
> >
> > bw
> > James
> >
> >
> >
>
_________________________________________________________________
Help STOP SPAM with the new MSN 8 and get 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
|