Hi Perpetua,
The picture is very clear here. Only bit I'd take issue with is stanza
three, you seem to become very judgemental here. Would it be better to
maintain the distance you do in the other parts and not step into the poem
this way.
bw
James
>From: Perpetua Pullman <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New: the Place - for the hyperpoem, Gary
>Date: Sun, 20 Jan 2002 21:32:12 +0000
>
>my Eliot line eventually became this
>crits welcome
>if you can't spot the line, scroll down
>P-P
>
>
>The Place
>
>slack night descends and flings her sequinned shawl
>around the yellow shoulders of the moon
>let us go dancing, raddled as we are,
>lolloping vixens out to make a kill
>
>I'll take the hour, and you may choose The Place
>where yards of leggy girls queue up to spin
>like scanty moths in polyester wings
>flaunting their artless guile in strobic snares
>
>let us revise their adolescent dream
>to swell a progress start a scene or two
>and be unlikely puzzles matched to win
>a south sea bubble, time-share of desire
>
>let us kick off well-heeled conformity
>drink to the love that dare not speak its name
>unhook the satin basque of sanity
>and quench our thirst in duty free psychosis
>
>P-P
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>'to swell a progress start a scene or two'
>
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>Perpetua Pullman
>
>
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bw
James
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