In a message dated 11.14.02 12:30:43 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Threnody [Ralph Waldo Emerson would be proud]
This cold morning wind [I want to reverse morning and wind]
beats rainrun wings
against my windows,
booms in the chimney.
I watch it shake out [skip I watch: It shakes out
a smouldering autumn,
strew summer’s debris
over shining ways. [don't get shining ways]
Winter payment on the mat,
season folds into season- [do you need to tell your reader this?]
raindrops hung along
a trembling washing line. >> [these last two lines work for me; I like the
raindrops like clothes on the line]
kol tuv, Ryfkah
|