Hi Christina,
I like this. The narrator's voice comes across clear and loud.
I'm thinking I'd like all the lines to work to the same pattern (with two or
three phrases in each line) (-and perhaps the last line being the only one
with it's lingering single phrase...).
I, too, think the "with nobs on" doesn't work so well. I've bracketed notes
below...
Bob
>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New sub: Daisy
>Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2002 18:16:23 EST
>
>This is still quite rough. What I most wonder about is whether or not to
>include the penultimate couplet. Oh blimey... all help rewarded with a
>spell
>to make you win the lottery...
>bw
>christina
>
>
>
> Daisy
>
>
> She left buggerall - a string of flapper beads,
> (a pair of things here),three jugs.
>
> All I remember is her songs; the way she'd step on snails
> or sprinkle salt so they'd dissolve. And Tizer fizzing.
>
> Somewhere down the line she'd found a voice:
> well-deep, stout as boots - and polished -
>
> rising from her gut, her weighty chest. War songs
> from the wireless, words from the gramophone.
>
> She could catch a tinny tune and turn it into gold -
> with nobs on.
>
> 'Keep the Home Fires Burning' - unaccompanied, belted out
> (another phrase here!) (then...)to make the cinders fly.
>
> I know now she knew things I'll not know:
> the way men wither, loss on loss.
>
> 'Daisy, Daisy', 'Abide with me' - fast at first,
> winding down to silence.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> christina fletcher
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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