Hi,
I think Gary's suggestions are interesting, too. But, as y keep reading down
this, you'll see I've altered the alterations a little - I'm the kinda guy
who finds I'm often adding a "the" or an "a" in front of words even tho they
ain't in the text because I find I can't read a line (alound or on paper)
without some being there!
Bob
>From: Gary B <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Dead at Thirty-two
>Date: Mon, 4 Nov 2002 08:21:37 -0800
>
>Noun, suggestions by way of some rewrite to cut the short lines. They add
>nothing to me.
>
>Lost at all cost
>frost will die at thirty-two
>no remedy, no salvation
>the silver backlit spines
>shine desperately in sun (the sun?)
>cling to your window for life
>like laughter wet with tears
>they suddenly disappear
>slip silently, fall form lost
>like Earth to birth (the earth - small case for earth?)
>
>and to take care of the ings.
>
>Thanks.
>
>Gary
>
>
>Nov Sharon Svendsen at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/gardawg.html
>
>Writer's Hood at http://www.writershood.com/
>
>Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
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