Yes, Bob, "a tellerman" works better. I'm giving more thought to the title
and will get back to you. Thanks for all your ideas.....Phil
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Re Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002 13:04:19 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>Your comments on my crit are enlightening! I can see now that it might be
>the title's that not doing enough - that the poem's not just about Sons Of
>The Surf but also about the place as well. (Title's are the toughest bits
>of a poem ain't they just!) I'm wondering, therefore, if the title couldn't
>invite us to the place as well as invite us to the people. The tone of the
>phrase "Sons Of The Surf" seems right but give us a hint of something else
>we'll find in the whole of the poem.
>I'm the kina guy who thinks titles matter (if only on a subliminal level).
>I sort of feel I read the title, then the poem, then I look at the title
>again - and a penny drops - and I find even more when I read it through
>again. Does everyone read poems like this?
>And with "the tellerman" - (I love your explanation!) would "a tellerman"
>work better? I mean he's just one of the guys in the poem (not the main man
>in the poem).
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>>Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 19:25:47 +0000
>>
>>Thanks, Bob, for your exciting crit..
>>
>>The background to this scenario is that Finistral Bay (Newquay) is held to
>>be the foremost surfing beach in Europe. At the moment it's only
>>accessible by cliffpath, or a dodgy footpath across a golfcourse. American
>>interest groups have recently purchased the entire bay and it is due to be
>>developed as a Yankydoodle surfing beach complete with surfer's mall - you
>>name it.
>>
>>So I guess I am putting the poetic sandwich on the surf stanzas (2 and 3)
>>trying to pin it, preserve it, a picture, in time, how it is now....
>>
>>'tellerman' is from "I'm the teller man..." Man oh man is man used a lot
>>man by these guys man.....
>>
>>'pounder' I was pleased with in 'promoting' the skylark, blowing up large
>>its presence, and by, extension, the interests of all natural things and
>>creatures whose home the bay is...
>>
>>Here's the next draft of the third stanza -
>>
>>The tellerman dips his voice
>>paddling the tale of the cool death
>>of one who, capped by undercurrent
>> and the surface unattainable,
>>had scratched on his Malabu
>>the fingernail epitaph
>>
>>***at least it gets away from 'downed', which, as you say, always wants to
>>be 'drowned' and I'm afraid is a semi-coin I'm too fond of. It does exist
>>outside of me, of course, as in, "....he was downed by a right hook to
>>the......whatever" (as a pacifist I couldn't possibly comment).
>>
>>Thanks again , Bob, very gratifying crit..
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>>>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 19:59:57 +0000
>>>
>>>Hi Philip,
>>>This is a really exciting poem! The 2nd and 3rd stanzas really capture a
>>>life-style/culture/group and show me things pictures or photographs could
>>>never show!
>>>I have a few small questions:
>>>I guess, in the 3rd stanza, the word "downed" could/should read "drowned"
>>>- I find I keep wanting it to be "drowned"!
>>>I also wonder about "pounder" because it sounds more like big waves than
>>>small skylarks!
>>>Does the "tellerman" (an unusual word to me) merely/just/simply mean "the
>>>one who's telling the tale" or is there another reason for selecting the
>>>particular word?
>>>And the ending stanza seems slight in comparison to what's gone before
>>>it. I feel I'd like more drama! Where are the camper vans? What's the
>>>weather doing while they're in there with their dim lights? What can they
>>>hear?
>>>Then I keep wondering what the 1st stanza is doing for this particular
>>>poem? I sense it's scene-setting but I wonder if the scene needs to be
>>>set. Once I'd read the poem through once I then wanted to start it at the
>>>surf!
>>>But I guess I'm wanting to read a poem about "Surfers" and not a poem
>>>about "Finistral Bay" - because the surfing part of the poem's unique and
>>>the place it's happening at ought, IMO, only to be there to back up the
>>>drama (not get in the way).
>>>I mean if I ever drove near Finestral Bay I really would turn off to see
>>>the place because I'd read about the surfers (during the day and in the
>>>evening) and not because I'd read about the daisies, the shale, the sand.
>>>Could the title, or maybe just one line, say where it's at? Or could you
>>>put things you feel essential down near the skylarks?
>>>Bob
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>>Subject: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>>>>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 01:28:52 +0100
>>>>
>>>> Sons of the Surf
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Proud as a damson - Finistral Bay
>>>>high on lawns and Michaelmas daisy
>>>>her links and shales stiff with valerian
>>>>and ancient youths, expectant
>>>>as new-laid mothers.
>>>>
>>>>Surf is not up - there are tales though
>>>>ebbing, dreams for the tongue
>>>>honed and waxed and sun-turned
>>>>versions of office block waves
>>>>tsunamis of the third, maybe fourth, kind
>>>>tunnels through foam
>>>>tunnels through time
>>>>tunnels home.
>>>>
>>>>The tellerman dips his voice
>>>>paddling the tale of the cool death
>>>>of one who downed in undercurrent
>>>>and, no surface attainable,
>>>>had scratched on his Malabu
>>>>the fingernail epitaph
>>>>
>>>>sonofabitch
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Skylarks pounder the cliffwalk air
>>>>while unbuttoned boys dig like zips
>>>>in the firm flesh of wet sand, and squeal.
>>>>
>>>>Then to the camper vans, dim lights
>>>>damp sleeping bags
>>>>fruit, fruit salad.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
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>>
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