Hi Philip,
Your comments on my crit are enlightening! I can see now that it might be
the title's that not doing enough - that the poem's not just about Sons Of
The Surf but also about the place as well. (Title's are the toughest bits of
a poem ain't they just!) I'm wondering, therefore, if the title couldn't
invite us to the place as well as invite us to the people. The tone of the
phrase "Sons Of The Surf" seems right but give us a hint of something else
we'll find in the whole of the poem.
I'm the kina guy who thinks titles matter (if only on a subliminal level). I
sort of feel I read the title, then the poem, then I look at the title again
- and a penny drops - and I find even more when I read it through again.
Does everyone read poems like this?
And with "the tellerman" - (I love your explanation!) would "a tellerman"
work better? I mean he's just one of the guys in the poem (not the main man
in the poem).
Bob
>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 19:25:47 +0000
>
>Thanks, Bob, for your exciting crit..
>
>The background to this scenario is that Finistral Bay (Newquay) is held to
>be the foremost surfing beach in Europe. At the moment it's only accessible
>by cliffpath, or a dodgy footpath across a golfcourse. American interest
>groups have recently purchased the entire bay and it is due to be developed
>as a Yankydoodle surfing beach complete with surfer's mall - you name it.
>
>So I guess I am putting the poetic sandwich on the surf stanzas (2 and 3)
>trying to pin it, preserve it, a picture, in time, how it is now....
>
>'tellerman' is from "I'm the teller man..." Man oh man is man used a lot
>man by these guys man.....
>
>'pounder' I was pleased with in 'promoting' the skylark, blowing up large
>its presence, and by, extension, the interests of all natural things and
>creatures whose home the bay is...
>
>Here's the next draft of the third stanza -
>
>The tellerman dips his voice
>paddling the tale of the cool death
>of one who, capped by undercurrent
> and the surface unattainable,
>had scratched on his Malabu
>the fingernail epitaph
>
>***at least it gets away from 'downed', which, as you say, always wants to
>be 'drowned' and I'm afraid is a semi-coin I'm too fond of. It does exist
>outside of me, of course, as in, "....he was downed by a right hook to
>the......whatever" (as a pacifist I couldn't possibly comment).
>
>Thanks again , Bob, very gratifying crit..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 19:59:57 +0000
>>
>>Hi Philip,
>>This is a really exciting poem! The 2nd and 3rd stanzas really capture a
>>life-style/culture/group and show me things pictures or photographs could
>>never show!
>>I have a few small questions:
>>I guess, in the 3rd stanza, the word "downed" could/should read "drowned"
>>- I find I keep wanting it to be "drowned"!
>>I also wonder about "pounder" because it sounds more like big waves than
>>small skylarks!
>>Does the "tellerman" (an unusual word to me) merely/just/simply mean "the
>>one who's telling the tale" or is there another reason for selecting the
>>particular word?
>>And the ending stanza seems slight in comparison to what's gone before it.
>>I feel I'd like more drama! Where are the camper vans? What's the weather
>>doing while they're in there with their dim lights? What can they hear?
>>Then I keep wondering what the 1st stanza is doing for this particular
>>poem? I sense it's scene-setting but I wonder if the scene needs to be
>>set. Once I'd read the poem through once I then wanted to start it at the
>>surf!
>>But I guess I'm wanting to read a poem about "Surfers" and not a poem
>>about "Finistral Bay" - because the surfing part of the poem's unique and
>>the place it's happening at ought, IMO, only to be there to back up the
>>drama (not get in the way).
>>I mean if I ever drove near Finestral Bay I really would turn off to see
>>the place because I'd read about the surfers (during the day and in the
>>evening) and not because I'd read about the daisies, the shale, the sand.
>>Could the title, or maybe just one line, say where it's at? Or could you
>>put things you feel essential down near the skylarks?
>>Bob
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>>Subject: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>>>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 01:28:52 +0100
>>>
>>> Sons of the Surf
>>>
>>>
>>>Proud as a damson - Finistral Bay
>>>high on lawns and Michaelmas daisy
>>>her links and shales stiff with valerian
>>>and ancient youths, expectant
>>>as new-laid mothers.
>>>
>>>Surf is not up - there are tales though
>>>ebbing, dreams for the tongue
>>>honed and waxed and sun-turned
>>>versions of office block waves
>>>tsunamis of the third, maybe fourth, kind
>>>tunnels through foam
>>>tunnels through time
>>>tunnels home.
>>>
>>>The tellerman dips his voice
>>>paddling the tale of the cool death
>>>of one who downed in undercurrent
>>>and, no surface attainable,
>>>had scratched on his Malabu
>>>the fingernail epitaph
>>>
>>>sonofabitch
>>>
>>>
>>>Skylarks pounder the cliffwalk air
>>>while unbuttoned boys dig like zips
>>>in the firm flesh of wet sand, and squeal.
>>>
>>>Then to the camper vans, dim lights
>>>damp sleeping bags
>>>fruit, fruit salad.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
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>>
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>
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