Just gorgeous insect. really enjoyed this.
A couple of small points:
In the phrase: 'ready to drop but waiting -/ for now , they are simply' I
had a little confusion regarding the comma and pause - wasn't sure how to
read it right - didn't think a pause was needed, but not sure of your
intent.
Similar issue with: 'Look back at that girl, couched/on green, but say
nothing.' Wasn't sure of the right reading - wasn't sure a comma before
'couched' did what it should, orperhaps something it shouldn't.
Cheers - lovely stuff.
Frank
The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
>Like this: a grey-eyed girl
>dreaming of darkness
>under an afternoon sun.
>I'll give you the colours:
>French blue and tangerine,
>long greens and earths.
>You can supply the sound-effects:
>a small drone through grass-blades,
>crows creaking in the oak,
>and something pushing up
>beneath the pauses between.
>
>Afterwards you might think of them
>as portents, the noises
>and the colours -I forgot
>those redbreast apples
>ready to drop but waiting -
>for now , they are simply
>weights in the balance,
>parts of that hot heavy day.
>
>Look back at that girl, couched
>on green, but say nothing.
>She is poised between past
>and future. Your words would nail
>her to the present. In this garden,
>silences crouch in a shadow
>like toads growing jewels.
>
> grasshopper
_________________________________________________________________
Unlimited Internet access -- and 2 months free! Try MSN.
http://resourcecenter.msn.com/access/plans/2monthsfree.asp
|