thank you, frank,
i'll consider the suggestions. i'm afraid the poetry and haiku will have to
stay, because this says so much about the person in the poem, the "you".
best,
michi
Hello Michaela.
Couple of small comments to offer on this piece.
I thought a sentence break at end of S1 was unnecessary - connection of the
lines through an open sentence might work better. I wondered if 'how your
fingers squeeze' could be 'the way your fingers squeeze'. wasn't sure the
'poetry ' and 'haiku' references worked - a little too overt for my taste. I
didn't think 'but' at start of last S was necessary. Otherwise a fine tone
and feel to the piece.
Cheers,
Frank
The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
>Autumn Blues
>
>Midnight, and the hands of my clock
>edge deeper into the shadows.
>Sometimes rain breaks their soliloquy,
>but not tonight. Branches stiffen
>in dry cold, grass blades shiver.
>If only they knew your hands.
>
>They would no longer hope for
>resurrection, content to dream
>how your fingers squeeze
>poetry from each yellow leaf -
>crisp haiku, discarded syllables
>littering hedges like acorn seed.
>
>I keep them for the walk-on days
>of winter, nights between empty
>sheets and the impossibility of music.
>This is the dress rehearsal;
>silence follows the slow death
>of a livid next-door saxophone,
>chimneys sweat, plaguing the sky
>with insipid tales. Stars yawn
>and flicker out, wind curls up
>
>in drained swimming pools
>that pockmark suburbs like blind
>eyes, the moon's summertime mirrors.
>She rises regardless, a lump of amber -
>fossilised heartaches, splintered
>bones of grief; yet she resembles you.
>
>But I have learned to trace
>your features in every chestnut's
>clouded face, taught the wind chime
>your voice. This book in my lap
>can't be someone else's story,
>when I find among its pages
>a word I had not known before you.
>
>
>mag2002
>
>
>
>------ ----- ----- -----
>michi ~~~ http://www.geocities.com/lillith1971
>
>Good sex is like good bridge.
>If you don't have a good partner,
>you'd better have a good hand. - Mae West
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