Hi Bob
Really helpful comments
Thanks
BW
C
-----Original Message-----
From: Bob Cooper
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: 27/10/02 19:57
Subject: Re: sub-why?
Hi Christine,
I could suggest:
"In dreams spiders would spin you,
hurl you wild-eyed into the night,
leave you in silken bonds."
but that changes the meaning quite a bit (but it keeps some of the
words!).
So I'd keep with the image of a spider and think of more things a spider
does to (maybe) snare it's prey, carry it's prey, eat its prey.
If I wanted to keep the second line of this stanza as it is then other
things may happen. Isn't it amazing how we can get fixated by phrases in
poems?
With the title I know what I mean when I say "think sideways" and I
guess I
mean that a title may come from somewhere alongside the poem rather than
in
the poem. Often a title can give additional material to a poem, provide
a
context, locate the poem in a particular time and place, or (even) give
the
poem "to" someone ("To My Lover As We Enter Alice's Restaurant" or "To
My
Lover When He Orders The Shoulder Of Lamb" or "To My Lover Before The
Last
Course Is Finished"). Sometimes titles can be as playful as the poem
that
follows them, sometimes they can entertain as much as the poem!
With the last line... I want it to be strong! "Two of a kind" feels as
much
of a cliche as "Prawn Cocktail" or "Steak & Chips" and I feel I've been
taken onto more exciting menus in the poem. (It might be that a
surprising -
and open - and powerful - last line might come when the title's
sorted...)
Bob
>From: "Bousfield, Christine [CES]" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: sub-why?
>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 12:49:46 -0000
>
>Thanks a lot, Bob. The spider does get to people-i didn't think of
vomiting
>but maybe it's quite appropriate.
>
>yes, I think you're right about the title-any ideas?
>
>i find the last line satisfying to say but perhaps that's my personal
>agenda
>lingering behind the poem!
>BW
>Christine
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Bob Cooper
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Sent: 26/10/02 21:48
>Subject: Re: sub-why?
>
>Hi Christine,
>Wow! A poem that's so mischevious in how it does things.
>But I sometimes get confused because I keep thinking the spider "hurls"
>it's
>food in your poem. I don't know if it does. I sort of think of a
>spider's
>scurry out from the web with the poor meal tightly gripped. (And I
think
>there's an aussie phrase about food being hurled that's slang for
>vomiting -
>like a technicolour yawn!). But the spider might hurl it somewhere
>afterwards I guess. I don't know.
>But, that on one side, it's a delighful poem that does what it does so
>well.
>(But t5hen part of me wonders if the last line could fit almost any
poem
>and, therefore, doesn't fit this poem as neatly as all the other bits
of
>the
>poem do...). It seems tame in comparison with the daring statements
that
>have come before it.
>(and part of me also wonders if the title works... it seems to mean
the
>question's are still being asked... but the poem seems to be saying the
>questions have been answered!)
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >From: "Bousfield, Christine [CES]" <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: sub-why?
> >Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 20:18:18 +0100
> >
> >Dear All
> >Comments please
> >BW
> >Christine
> >
> >Why?
> >
> >Why risk your arm with a greedy lover?
> >A toad would love you better,
> >sit grinning by your side,
> >hear your murmurs to the wind.
> >
> >Why risk your arm with a greedy lover?
> >A bear would dance you round
> >nuzzle your ear, bristle up close,
> >snuffle the lines in your hand.
> >
> >Why risk your arm with a greedy lover?
> >Spiders would spin you a dream,
> >to hurl you, wild-eyed, into the night,
> >leave you in silken bonds.
> >
> >Why risk your arm with a greedy lover?
> >A snake would swallow its tail,
> >shed skins to make you shoes,
> >draw crazed circles in your mind.
> >
> >No, best give me your arm;
> >I eat well, don't need
> >to devour the hands I hold:
> >we two are of a kind.
> >
> >
> >
> >chrisbousfield October 2002
>
>
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