Yes, michaela, I was worried about the last three lines too. Thank you for 
your sensitive reading. Philip


>From: "michaela a. gabriel" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new submission - Sons of the Surf
>Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 09:34:49 +0100
>
>philip,
>
>lovely to read this on a sunny october morning. :)
>some observations for you below:
>
>
>
>       Sons of the Surf
>
>
>Proud as a damson - Finistral Bay
>high on lawns and Michaelmas daisy ***am i reading this wrong, or would a
>comma after "daisy" help?***
>her links and shales stiff with valerian
>and ancient youths, expectant
>as new-laid mothers.  *** i find "new-laid mothers" quite original ***
>
>Surf is not up - there are tales though
>ebbing, dreams for the tongue  ***lovely ***
>honed and waxed and sun-turned
>versions of office block waves
>tsunamis of the third, maybe fourth, kind
>tunnels through foam
>tunnels through time
>tunnels home.
>
>*** i found "maybe fourth" a bit awkward; it seems to weaken the 4 lines
>which, apart from that, read wonderfully; the repetition of "tunnels" works
>for me, it manages to bring this alive for me; oh - another nit, is there a
>different, maybe more "precise" word for "kind"? ***
>
>The tellerman dips his voice
>paddling the tale of the cool death
>of one who downed in undercurrent
>and, no surface attainable,
>had scratched on his Malabu
>the fingernail epitaph
>
>*** not too crazy about "the cool death"; would this work if you contracted
>to "the tale of one who downed ..."? i like "fingernail epitaph" ***
>
>sonofabitch
>
>
>Skylarks pounder the cliffwalk air *** the contrast between "sonofabitch"
>and "skylark" works for me ***
>while unbuttoned boys dig like zips
>in the firm flesh of wet sand, and squeal.
>
>Then to the camper vans, dim lights
>damp sleeping bags
>fruit, fruit salad.
>
>*** IMO this poem ends after "squeals", this seemed anti-climactic in a way
>... as if you were trying to wrap it up somehow ***
>
>
>i hope this is useful in some way,
>
>best wishes,
>
>michi
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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