Hi Sally,
I'm way behind in my reading! And I guess you may well have worked through
what's been said about this ages ago! My only (additional) thought is that
it may be, because the poem's about day and then night and then day again
that a bigger break (a stanza break? two breaks?)
between day and night may work - and all the day bits gathered together -
and all the night bits gathered - may prompt another ending (cos you're
canny at poem endings!).
But I'm so late in saying this (and you've probably done plenty of revising
and reached something that sings clearly) that what I'm saying may be far
too late to say anyway.
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub Arrival of Winter
>Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 15:47:28 +0100
>
>Hello everyone
>New sub for crits,
>
>
>Arrival of Winter (for want of a better title)
>
>The sky is as grey as an old ship's canvas
>rain bounces of tarmac and the cracks
>in the pavement rise and swell
>like sails lost in the sea
>Particles of soil swim for survival
>cling to the kerb edge
>Birds scratch in nests sodden in the eaves
>dodge waterfall deluge from broken spouts
>Leaves once fallen gold turn to lead
>write the arrival of winter
>with a sword of debris
>Oak fingers grab at light
>as the heart of day turns black
>Stars give shelter
>and the moon wins her rainbow halo
>Early frost pokes fun at the bloodless sun
>freezes dew in tune with the sunrise witch
>till there is nothing left but fires bright
>soft fur of dead wolves
>and the faint echo of summer.
>
>Sally James Get more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download :
>http://explorer.msn.com
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