Thanks Bob, I'll try a few edits. Glad you liked 'deeply'. Philip
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New Submission - migration
>Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 10:56:11 +0000
>
>Hi Philip,
>An interesting poem with a fine image to work with - and it doesn't get
>into the cartoon charicatures of ducks, it stays with the real
>animals/birds and the trafic sounds almost as real as well!
>I sense the poem, tho, needs a haircut and a shave...
>I mean I don't know what the second stanza adds to the poem - except trying
>to get the poet into the action (and I sense you don't need to be there in
>the poem, the images speak loudly for themselves!).
>I'd ditch the first word, find another! It sounds intrusively twee, to me,
>as well. If "duckling came up to the first stanza there's chance for a
>replacement being found much later on in the poem.
>"less crowded in on" - "in on" don't do anything much but make my mouth
>make funny shapes when I say it... the whole phrase could be replaced.
>And how much have you had to retain (that you feel may be iffy) because
>you're trying to keep to 8 line stanzas? Would 7 line stanzas help? Or 6?
>Sit it in the barber's chair, start snipping!
>Oh, one adjective I'd keep is the word "deeply" in the last stanza! That's
>powerful and important and speaks volumes for a small handfull of baby
>duck!
>Bob
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Philip Burton <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New Submission - migration
>>Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 00:17:52 +0100
>>
>>Migration
>>
>>
>>Younglings
>>with duck
>>in the lane.
>>Brakes sing
>>for dear life.
>>The birds
>>mutely
>>survive.
>>
>>I speak
>>to them.
>>Drought?
>>Oil slick?
>>Overweaning
>>Teal?
>>I
>>mean
>>
>>does
>>this road’s
>>medicine
>>promise
>>a pond
>>less
>>crowded
>>in on?
>>
>>I look
>>to the blind
>>next bend -
>>see a truck
>>smack
>>to a stop.
>>A shriek.
>>A quack.
>>
>>Mother’s
>>off
>>to sensible
>>cover.
>>Ducklings
>>knuckle after –
>>deeply certain
>>of things.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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